Dealing with Telling Lies
Question: Lately we have caught our daughter telling lies. I don't know if this is a sign that something is wrong with her or if it's a normal thing kids go through. What is the best way to confront it?
Answer: Lying is one of those behaviors that really shake parents up--and, in the long run, can undermine trust. However, the age of the child is a major consideration in deciding what to make of a child's lying. Since you don't say how old your daughter is, I can't tell you if it's cause for concern or not. For example, preschool children don't understand the difference between truth and fantasy, so sometimes they tell whopping tales without any sense that they're "lying." Even when children learn to distinguish between truth and fiction, it takes a while for them to learn the value of honesty.
Many times lying is a way to avoid getting in trouble for doing something naughty--the classic, "I didn't do it!" kind of lie. Children also may pick up a common adult pattern of telling so-called "little white lies" to avoid hurting other people's feelings--for example, thanking Aunt Helen for the "beautiful" sweater when they really think it's the ugliest thing they've ever seen. If you think about it, it must be confusing to children to try to understand adult values about honesty.
It's important also that we distinguish between actual lying and just keeping information private. As children move toward adulthood, they need to draw some boundaries and not necessarily tell their parents every detail of their lives--as hard as that is for us parents to accept. Sometimes parents press adolescents so hard that they are inclined to lie as a way of maintaining some age-appropriate privacy.
This is not, however, to make light of children's lying. A persistent pattern of lying certainly can be a risk sign. In older children and adolescents, lying may be a way of covering up troublesome behavior, such as drug use. And in children of any age, chronic lying may be a symptom of deep insecurity or family problems. In such cases, it is important to seek professional counseling.
There are a few steps that parents can take to ensure that our children learn the value of honesty:
Model honesty in our own behavior. (For example, what message are we giving our children if we ask them to tell a caller that we're not home when we're sitting right in the next room?)
Specifically teach honesty as a value that you hold in your family. (Understand that children are not born knowing that honesty is a good thing. It is a virtue that requires careful teaching.)
Teach the concept of trust, letting children know that when they lie we lose trust in them. The danger is that when they tell the truth we won't believe them--just like "The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf."
Make truthfulness worthwhile. For example, when a child gets up the courage to admit a wrongdoing, we should sincerely thank her for being honest. Of course, we still have to deal with the wrongdoing, but flying off the handle will only make the child reluctant to tell the truth the next time.
When a child does lie, confront it consistently. Clearly and firmly tell the child that lying is not acceptable. Remind her that we lose trust when she is dishonest, and, if the situation is serious enough, impose a reasonable consequence such as loss of a privilege. Over time our children will see that it pays to be honest and that relationships work best on a foundation of trust.
Editor's note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. You may fax them to (612) 624-6369 or send them to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
