The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Children defy us because they have their own minds (gosh darn, don't you just hate that?). They want to test their limits and power. Some defy us to counter attack being over-controlled or over-protected, to take revenge, or to avoid doing something unpleasant. Some defy us because they feel unfairly treated. And some defy us because they've been raised in a permissive environment and can get away with murder!

Logical consequences

Anything other than logical consequences will often make defiant children worse, because they see punishment as a green light to retaliate with even more defiance.

Here's an appropriate logical consequence for a defiant child: If Billy refuses to hold your hand when you cross the street, say, "I'm not going to be able to take you to the store with me right now, because you're choosing to be unsafe. Maybe we can try again later." If Jane refuses to get into the car when the family's going out for pizza, say, "Okay, since you've chosen not to come with us, I'll take you to Ms. Harris' next door. She can sit with you until we get back." Remember to use your most convincing "ho hum" attitude so your children know that you don't intend to take on their problems.

Solutions toward self-direction

Pick your battles. Don't say "no" to their every request just to "be in charge." Saying "no" to every request will just turn you into an external influence your children feel compelled to rebel against.

Don't over-protect your children. This also incites externally directed rebellion among the natives.

Always speak respectfully to your children, and try not to have the last word all the time. Again, you're just setting yourself up as an external influence . . . an emotional punching bag for your children.

Create meaningful discipline. Never use physical punishment. Invite cooperation. For instance, if your children usually refuse to do their chores, ask them to supervise their younger siblings with their chores while they do their own. Give them the feeling that you sincerely need their help. Even the general statement: "I'm having a hard time and would really appreciate it if you'd help me out by cooperating" works well. It gives them a sense of power. If children feel they are needed-that they truly have a way to contribute to the pack-they will be cooperative.

Give your defiant children choices: "Do you want to come here now and unload the dishwasher, or would you like to do it after you eat breakfast?" This also gives them the power they seek.

Use impartial descriptions and information: "You are treating me badly. It doesn't make me feel like being around you."

Try not to tell your children what to do. Instead of saying, "Do your homework right now," say something like, "What are you suppose to do now that you've finished your afternoon snack?"

Let them be leaders whenever possible: "Tommy, can you be in charge of deciding where we go out for dinner tonight?" "John, can you help your brother with this difficult math problem?"