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Even though we have come a long way from treating death as a taboo subject, many parents still feel uncomfortable when children raise questions about death. Inevitably, the subject evokes premonitions as well as memories of grief, and fear. However, when we examine and come to accept our own feelings and attitudes, it may be easier to help our children come to terms with this difficult fact of life.

How To Begin

It is probably best if the young child's first introduction to the concept of death and the procedures involved in burial and so forth are first discussed concerning someone who has not been close to him.

It is also probably best to let children lead into the subject themselves. The majority of young children will express some curiosity about death, perhaps provoked by seeing insects or animals killed. Some children even experiment with killing small insects. (On such occasions, scolding is not appropriate; rather, provide informal discussion and matter-of-fact answers.)

The ability to grasp the concept of death as an irreversible end to life is related in part to the young child's understanding of time. For most children under age five, death seems to be a reversible process. Many children in this age group still equate death with the cycle of sleeping and waking and the separation that goes with a long journey and ultimate reunion.

Research of recent years indicates that adults go through predictable stages of grief. However, it is not clear that preschoolers do. The length and depth of their grieving will depend very much on how close the child felt to the departed person. As with sorrow arising from other temporary situations, it is not only all right to cry, it is important to do so. If you want your child to understand death in religious terms, then religious concepts and sentiments should be developed early. Preschoolers, though, are probably too young to be prepared in advance for someone's imminent death.

Hidden Anxieties

In some cases a child may feel a vague sense of guilt for having recently or frequently displeased the deceased or for having unkind thoughts about that person. The child may then see the departure as abandonment or punishment. Other young children react to the death of someone they have known directly with fear that their own parents will die and abandon them in the same way. Because very often such confusions occur at a time when parents themselves may be grieving, they may not immediately be aware of their child's need for reassurance.

If the child's fears are dismissed by saying that death happens mainly to very old people, an aversion to, or even fear of, being around the aged may inadvertently be engendered. Similarly, if you indicate that death is a consequence of being very ill, some children may develop excessive anxiety about their own illnesses. It is probably best to indicate that, in general, death comes to people who have lived a very long time and in many cases they are ready to rest and leave. The important thing is to enjoy each day that you are together.

There are many views as to whether young children should be allowed to attend funeral services. The balance seems to favor giving children an opportunity to mark the finality and reality of the occasion with ceremony and ritual.

Delayed Mourning

For some children, grief may be too great to express. In some cases of acute grief, a child may appear oblivious to the loss. (It is useful to remember that grief can only accompany felt loss and that children do not always feel loss just because a departed person was a family member.)

If you are reasonably sure that the child had strong ties to the deceased, and this apparent indifference persists, the child may need help to express delayed grief. She should not be chastised in any way for her apparent lack of feeling, Rather, some kind of grief counseling may be helpful. Some experts say that children have a "short sadness span," so you shouldn't expect a long period of grief in most cases.

© 1986National Parent Information Network

Credits: Lilian G. Katz