Above the soapy water in the kitchen sink, a small vase held a tiny red bloom of sedum. It looked miraculously like a small rose on a skinny, wiggly stem, pulled from its life-giving roots. My see-the-world-differently, almost nine-year-old daughter had given it to me to take care of because "It was picked too early, and it might die if you don't take care of it, . . . and . . . if roses are truly already blooming, then springtime is really here, and if springtime is really here, it means shorts and puddles, and bikes, and . . . and . . . and . . ." Off she went, singing and shouting, in her shorts, through the puddles, on her bike. It had taken eight years for her life to reach springtime.

My mind wandered back to the first day I met April Rose, a tiny five-month-old, failing to thrive, refusing to make eye contact, refusing to accept love, care, and touch, capable of the most incredible screaming I had ever heard. This child turned our family upside down as we worked to turn her world right side up and help her gain the security to trust.

I met the sparkling eyes of my husband as he shook his head, "What a character. You know we needed to be as old as we are to parent that one. It takes all the investment we've made in foster parenting, in our marriage, and in our professional lives to reach the level of competence, focus, and patience needed to parent her." I agreed.

The world of foster parenting brought April Rose into our lives. Without the experiences provided by foster parenting complex children we would not have been prepared for the world we were about to enter with this wisp of a child. Foster parenting prepared us to love this child unconditionally back to life, while taking the risk of losing her later. Our foster parenting experience gave us the skills, the passion, to parent this child, while respecting the reality that she belonged not only to herself, but also to another set of parents.

There begin the conflicts of fos-adoption

Foster parents may know who the child's parents and siblings are. That is true. It means that in fos-adoption, the family and child know the past; the child is not denied the reality of other relationships or historic life events. In some cases relationships with birth parents, siblings, or extended family members may continue. April Rose has one home and one set of heart parents; she also has a giggly, whispery relationship with an older sister, who lives in another family, and a beginning curiosity about getting to know her birth father. These relationships will not be denied her. The sister-relationship blesses not only her, but also our family, by providing friendship, information, and comparisons when behavioral issues arise. Because of our foster parenting experience, we do not fear the new relationships, the old relationships, or our relationship with our daughter. Each has its own place, and each is important.

The focus of foster parents is on the immediate needs of the child, not on a long-term relationship. Special needs children with major life trauma and breakages need triage work-immediate emergency-relationship care. This is more than just loving another person. It is focusing adult attention beyond love to analyze and understand the needs of the child, to seek out resources to enhance the child's life, and to develop a safe and protective atmosphere for the child to grow. Foster parents don't expect an immediate warm and loving relationship with the child. There is no fantasy that this will be smooth sailing. With injured children, loving back can take forever, and forever is a long time to wait when you're faced with 24-hour-a-day care. April Rose gave me a "real" hug less than six months ago. She has since smothered me with healthy affection and kisses. It took eight years.

Foster care is a bad life experience for children. It can be. April Rose knew five competent, loving caregivers in five months, but no one significant person was available consistently over that period of time. Each placement was handled by competent, caring professionals "in her best interest." Without an understanding of what life is about, she was left with a trail of breakages that took years to reestablish. Some children have rivers of broken promises and lost relationships so wide it takes much hard work to bridge. Fos-adoption can provide a safe, perhaps even distant relationship to a broken child, while neither suffocating nor stifling the child with the efforts to find permanency.

Fos-adoption removes quality foster homes from the system. It places the skills and competency of trained professional parents in concentrated doses on one specific or a number of specific children. New needy children may not enter the home, but the life of one child and generations are changed forever. The child knows that the fos-adopt family made a choice of permanency. The child's growth can continue in the environment he or she has already become accustomed to.

Fos-adoption isn't the answer for every child in need of permanency. Each child and each situation varies. Combining other people's children into new families is complex work. What makes adoptions successful is the connection between one human being and another. It may click. If that click is made in the foster home, then that relationship should be respected.

I submitted the 1995 Minnesota Report to the North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC) in January. The Minnesota Report was a review of one year's work in the Fos-Adopt program. It was pulled together from anonymous interviews with some of the best foster parents, attorneys, social workers, and adoption therapists in the state. By remaining anonymous, individuals were allowed to speak candidly regarding this issue. Here are a few excerpts:

Adoption attorney: Placement policy needs to be reviewed seriously and overhauled, especially when younger children are involved. We need to acknowledge the well-being of children and the length of time a child is in a home relative to the age of the child. We need to be aware of the damage done to the child by moving the child to another stranger's home instead of allowing the adoption by the foster family. . . One of the biggest difficulties my clients face is the predisposition of the county to view the foster home as a temporary placement facility and not a potential adoptive home. What the county fails to realize is that regardless of what the foster parents do personally to guard themselves, the children are going to bond with the people they live with, who are kind and loving and provide for their day-to-day needs. Workers cannot blame foster parents for having a child attach to their family system, even though they are being professional in their own relationship to the child.

Foster parent: I am just a "foster parent." They said things like, "You make too much money in foster care." A dollar an hour is so much? What professional works with children at that rate? I'd say foster parents are a bargain, and adoptive parents are a real bargain, especially if the state can wash the kids out of the system. Then the system is not responsible for them any longer and place all the responsibility and liability on the new adoptive family. . . Going from a foster family to adoptive family of the very same children will put my whole family at financial risk. But you know what? These kids want to stay here, and that risk for their personal benefit is worth it.

Social worker: I wish we could serve children and philosophical ideas. Social services needs to get out of the ivory tower and meet the needs of the children. They are the future of this country, and how we treat them will matter. It would be easier to know right from the beginning if termination was going to take place. Then the right high-risk, legal fos-adoption home could be found immediately. Fos-adopt families walk a very emotional path. Day-to-day life can be "adoption on" one day, and "adoption off" the next. We need designated staff who specialize in working with these families for long-term support and training needs.

Last night when I arrived home the house was quiet. The little "rose" was lying in a shallow puddle. I smiled and gently put it back in its protective vase. I noticed new growth; tiny, new roots were struggling for life. I turned out the light and checked on April, peacefully sleeping. I kissed her soft cheek, thinking of powerful breakages and difficult transplants. But with care an attention, these new roots do grow, and eventually springtime comes!

Jodee Kulp, author of Families at Risk, is an adoptive parent and former foster parent. She also owns and manages Jodee Kulp Graphic Design, which designs and typesets this newsletter. The MFCA is grateful for her support.

This article has been published in MN Our Families News and Views, a publication of the Minnesota Foster Parent Association.