Disrespect

The following is a selection from the book Raising Children Who Think For Themselves by Dr. Eisa Medhus. From the chapter titled "Specific Child Rearing Challenges - How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction", the following introduction is offered.

"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde

Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.

To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.

And lastly, don't forget to laugh.

Why they do it

Children show disrespect because they want to test their limits and explore the extent of their power over us. Some show disreaspect because we model disrespect in our own behavior. Some use it as a way to rebel against over-controlling parents. And some do so because we've let them get away with it in the past.

Logical consequences

When your children talk back, act disrespectfully, or show any other form of rudeness in their behavior, don't let them get by with it. Say something like, "I will not listen to your inconsiderate words. You'll have to leave the room and come back when you can behave nicely."

Have them make amends for their rude behavior.

Solutions toward self-direction

Reword their disrespectful statements as in this example:

Richard: "I hate it when you don't let me play outside late."

Mom: "I can't play out late, Mom? Okay, thanks anyway."

Try using impartial descriptions and giving information: "I noticed you didn't answer Mrs. Hardin when she asked how you were doing. She seemed offended by your lack of respect."

Offer choices: "You can either show respect to Tommy's parents, or not be allowed to play there anymore." "When you learn to show respect to the librarian, Mrs. Godfrey, then you can return to the library."