Divorce, Adoption, and Nurturing the Couple

A family in crisis. We've all seen it before. The stresses of being a couple, perhaps a difficult adoption, work and daily life combine to pull couples, and families, apart. How do we prevent a separation when we can feel that our relationships need work? How do we talk to our children about divorce when we have exhausted all avenues, when we know that there is no other choice but to live separately?

Few couples see divorce as a potential outcome when planning for a family. But for one reason or another (all of them very complex and deserving of several articles!) family break-ups happen all the time. For adoptive families, taking the step to end a marriage can be especially devastating. That is because, unlike non-adoptive families, much effort has gone into demonstrating to others (adoption workers, other professionals, friends, and family) that the two of you have what it takes to become the "perfect family."

Communicating with Your Adopted Child About Separation and Divorce

When we think about adopted children, we often think of them as vulnerable and susceptible to deep feelings of loss. We worry that any disruption to the family will result in the children reliving that initial separation they experienced from their birth families, or, if a child has been in foster care, the separations he or she went through when moving from foster care to adoption. When families are faced with the possibility of separation or divorce, how do adoptive parents lessen the impact of the impending disruption? After all, it's likely that everything the child has ever really known (routines, homes, the basic family structure) will change. And, if the family is living with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, attachment issues, or other conditions common with adopted children, these changes can have a huge effect on behavior, ongoing therapies and school performance.

A child will see few advantages to a separation. He or she will have two homes and two different schedules; a parent may remarry and add step- or half-siblings to the family; schools may change when one or both parents move. While, ultimately, the separation often helps the family and provides a better stability, the child will have difficulty seeing this during the separation process. Adoptive parents have had to discuss many difficult issues with their children from the very beginning, issues like open relationships with birth families and prenatal drug or alcohol exposure. The issue of separation and divorce is no less difficult. Parents will want to approach separation in the same way they have approached all those other issues: with honest and appropriate discussion, active listening, sensitivity and the same commitment to their children they have always shown. Children with FAS, for example, will be hit particularly hard by the change in routine a family separation will cause. Try to return to a recognizable structure as soon as possible and make sure that your child has as many familiar objects and people around her as possible during the transition stages.

It sounds so easy; however, any adoptive parent will say that the implementation is far harder than it sounds. It's key to remember, though, that if a family has been able to weather the storms that adoption can often bring, the same family will also be able to weather the storm brought on by separation and divorce. These are tough subjects-tough to talk about, tough to live through. However, adoptive parents are extraordinary people and if anyone can tackle a tough issue head on, it has to be them.

Preparing to Stay Together Before the Troubles Hit

You've read all the books, taken all the courses, proven your worth through volunteer work, maybe even foster parenting. But what about the work that goes into making sure the relationship between you and your spouse continues to thrive after the adoption? Often couples that prepare to adopt neglect the importance of maintaining healthy and loving relations between each other. Making the decision to adopt is a huge step. So much goes into planning for the new family member, or members (if it's a sibling adoption) that, often, little time and energy is left to nurture the couple. When stress is high over parent-related challenges, tempers flare, sometimes over the smallest things. Providing a stable, nurturing home for the adoptive child is foremost in the parents' minds. However, a big part of that stability includes nurturing the couple.

Communicate to your spouse about big issues that will come up once the adoption is finalized. Prior to adoption, ask yourself and your spouse if you are committed to the marriage as much as you are committed to the adoption. After the adoption there will no doubt be times when you'll want to leave the house shaking your fists! The child might have challenges you hadn't planned on or read about in books. Ask yourself if your union is strong enough to withstand the stressful situations you'll encounter. Maybe you need extra assistance in the form of a family or marriage counselor.

TIPS TO HELP ADOPTIVE PARENTS NURTURE THEIR RELATIONSHIPS

1. Agree on child-rearing strategies
2. Partake in at least one hobby or recreational activity as a family
3. Decide who deals with money issues
4. Be comfortable with mutually agreed-on household roles and responsibilities
5. Be non-judgmental; agree to disagree on different issues
6. Always communicate your views or frustrations right away to your spouse so they don't build up
7. Be a good listener
8. Don't be critical; instead of saying "Why don't you do this like I do?" say, "I am curious about the different way you approach this."
9. Find time every day, even if it's only 20 minutes, to be together as a couple
10. Discuss your value and belief systems, as they will affect how you raise your child
11. Do nice things for each other and give compliments on a regular basis
12. Allow your spouse some space to be by him or herself
13. Discuss shared goals and dreams

Brought to you by the Society of Special Needs Adoptive Parent by Jennifer Lee and Lissa Cowan, SNAP Communication Coordinators
http://www.snap.bc.ca
info@snap.bc.ca

© 2003