Practical Tips for Parents

Elena's parents divorced after a violent marriage when she was only 5. Parental rights were terminated on both because of alcoholism. After spending time in several different shelters and foster homes, she was adopted at age 7. She thrived in her new family as an only child, but when she was 12, her adoptive parents divorced. Years of arguing about career goals, money and debt had taken their toll. For Elena, the divorce was another loss in her life. When her dad moved out, she ran out of fingers counting the number of parental figures who had once been part of her daily life.

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Fortunately for Elena, her parents were acutely aware that this divorce was potentially devastating to their daughter. They went to "divorce counseling" when marriage counseling failed, to learn how to parent apart. They made every effort to reassure their daughter of their ongoing commitment and to explain that the split had nothing to do with her. After her father moved out, he called Elena almost every night to "tuck her in" with a new 'knock-knock' joke. They shared photos via email. He visited as often as he could because Elena's mother remained flexible about the visitation schedule.

Now age, 16, Elena is a confident teen-ager who is secure in the love of two parents. Because of her father's recent re-marriage, she now has a step-mother, and two step-brothers, ages 3 and 5. Elena is one of the fortunate ones because her parents put her first in the divorce. Many children are amazingly resilient. They can survive traumas and then go on to thrive if they have enough support.

Introduction

When it comes to divorce, parents are likely to hear lots of platitudes or advice that does not pertain to their situation. But when you are going through this complex process, you have to continue parenting. You need practical step-by-step suggestions and reminders.

This article is written in a simple-to-follow "To Do Lists" format that takes the reader from the first week to the third year. It begins by shedding light on a few of the myths surrounding divorce after adoption. It is designed to give parents a starting point for planning and executing the dissolution of a marriage.

Happily, there are wonderful online support groups for newly divorced people. After reading this article, a visit to some of these sites should prove to be productive. For example, there is:

· Divorce Support - About.com: A collection of divorce support and information resources that includes research options, and links to financial, property, and alimony information. divorcesupport.about.com

· Divorce Source: Details about alimony, child custody and child-support. With a state-by-state breakdown of resources. www.divorcesource.com

· Divorce Support Page: Resource center providing legal advice and information on support groups, child custody, books, and religion. www.divorcesupport.com

Adoption and Divorce: Facts and Fantasy

1) Myth: The divorce will make the adoption null and void automatically, and we will lose our child.

Fact: No. Divorce can and often does affect the status of a foster care placement, but it has no legal affect on a finalized adoption. Once adopted, a child is your child legally just as if he or she had been born to you. If your adoption has not yet been finalized, it will be up to the court to decide if one or both parents should be allowed to finalize the placement as the marriage dissolves. The recommendation of the adoption agency will be an important factor in the decision. If you wish to finalize the adoption as a single parent, make sure the agency knows this.

2) Myth: Adoptive parents are more likely to divorce.

Fact: There is no evidence to support this and in fact, there is reason to believe that the opposite is true. Adoptive parents undergo a great deal of scrutiny individually and as a couple during the homestudy process. If a marriage is on shaky ground, the agency will recommend against adoption and reject the application. Further, most adoptive and many foster parents have experienced infertility and have longed for and struggled emotionally and financially to become parents. If the marriage survives the stress of infertility, it is logical to assume that the adoptive parents will work very hard to keep the marriage and the family intact.

3) Myth: The non-custodial parent can pay less child support if the child is receiving adoption subsidy assistance.

Fact: No. Federal law says that assistance is the child's entitlement based on disability and has nothing to do with parental income or support. The adoption subsidy program is designed to help offset some of the costs associated with special needs. It was never designed to be a substitute for typical parental support during or after marriage. NACAC, the North American Council on Adoptable Children, offers free literature on this subject at www.nacac.org .

4) Myth: If I divorce, I won't be able to adopt again.

Fact: Generally, this is false. Single parents, and people who have been married more than once are not denied the chance to adopt again for those reasons alone. As long as the agency feels you can be a good parent, your marital history is not a major factor. However, some countries will not allow international adoption by any single or divorced or re-married persons. If adopting internationally, ask your agency for a list of countries that do not practice this type of global discrimination.

Divorce: More Myths and Facts

1) Myth: Half of all marriages will end in divorce eventually.

Fact: That oft-quoted but misleading statistic came from a Census Bureau report that counted about one million divorces in the same year that 2 million weddings took place. But 54 million marriages were already in existence that year. The truth is much more positive. A Harris poll concluded that only about 1 in 8 US marriages, or 12 and a half percent will eventually end in divorce. This means that in any single year, about 2 per cent of all existing marriages are dissolved, not 50 per cent. (One of the well-established web sites that names and quotes the various studies, is Truth or Fiction at http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/divorce.htm .) Also, divorce rates vary a great deal from state to state and city to city, and rise or fall sharply according to changes in the divorce laws. Other local factors such as a weather disaster can temporarily affect the divorce rate. The rate can also shift among various income and age groups. At their most accurate, divorce rates are culled nationally and over long periods of time.

2) Myth: Divorce is more likely when you have kids.

Fact: Divorce rates are highest, by far, among the young, the recently married, and among childless couples, and always have been. The more children you have, the less likely you are to divorce. Divorce happens in large families, too, but less often. It is also true that among families with children, divorce is more common among those with older children and less common among those with infants and pre-schoolers.

3) Myth: Infidelity causes most divorces.

Fact: Infidelity is just one of several common reasons why people end their marriages. Some of the other major factors are abandonment, drug use including alcohol, felony conviction, mental illness, money arguments, poverty, infertility, and violence.

4) Myth: America is "Divorce Central" and it's only getting worse.

Fact: Yes and no. America currently leads the world in the percentage of divorces but our rate has been fairly steady in the last three decades and has gone down for periods of time. Studies show that making divorce easier with "no-fault" laws tends to cause the rates to rise. In times of economic depression, there is always less divorce. In times of war and prosperity, there is more of it. For instance, divorce rates doubled during WW II after dropping during the Great Depression. People who point to divorce stats as proof that marriage is failing as an institution do not understand the cyclical nature of divorce rates. Overall, marriage is very sound in the USA.

Preparing to Divorce

Marriages and divorces can happen suddenly but experts agree that a gradual approach is best for both events. If you think your marriage may be headed for the rocks, there are certain steps you should consider taking:

1) Be pro-active. Ask your local house of worship about retreats for married couples. Try marital counseling. If your spouse is hesitant, offer to find a therapist who will make house calls. If divorce is bound to happen, seek divorce counseling. The purpose of this is to show you how to strive for an amicable divorce and to prepare you to parent as a divorced couple.

2) Read. There are lots of good books about the signs of marital trouble and what to do. When children are involved, we are morally obligated to try everything reasonable to save a marriage. That said, remember "safety first." If you fear for your safety or that of the children, seek the advice of experts, obtain a restraining order, and move your family to a safe location.

3) Be on the look-out for contempt, the death-knell of a marriage. There is research that suggests when someone's feelings about their spouse have reached the contempt level, the marriage is probably beyond salvation. Contempt is a total lack of positive feelings, especially respect, trust and admiration. The person who holds you in contempt despises you and will show flashes of these feelings in everyday life.

4) Communicate. This sounds so simple but when you are married to someone who won't listen or respond, it can be the most difficult act imaginable. If you cannot communicate any longer, seek out a professional. If your spouse won't participate in counseling, go alone and ask for advice.

5) Imagine yourself single and plan accordingly. Begin preparing the children. Explain that the problems in the marriage are not their fault in any way. Explain that you are trying to fix it but if divorce occurs, they are not to worry. Reassure them, especially adopted children, that you will always be there for them, no matter what. When divorce looms, it is natural for children to worry, "What will become of me?"

6) A trial separation should almost always precede a divorce. A trial separation will either motivate both parties to work it out, or convince at least one person that the marriage must end. A separation also helps with divorce planning. How else can two people prepare to live apart until they have had a taste of what it will be like? Take note of what you will need to know prior to a divorce. For example, do you know where the circuit-breaker box is? If your ex did all of the driving, do you have a good map in your car so you can get to an emergency room?

7) When divorce is imminent, ask your spouse to pledge to keep the long-term picture in mind. You both won't always feel so emotional. Taking the time to put the kids first now, and to promise mutual cooperation will ensure a bright future for all.

8) Research options together, if possible. Do-it-yourself divorce kits are usually not compatible with marriages that involve children. But attorneys and adversity are not required either. Look into divorce mediation services first. These may be non-profit or may be part of a divorce attorney's practice. Ask for recommendations, interview several or ask them to send you information packets.

9) Don't wait until the last minute to tell your parents, your boss, close friends, and other relatives about your upcoming divorce. Give them time to adjust to the idea You will need their support later.

10) Do not secretly plan your divorce while pretending to be happily married. (If you fear for your safety or the safety of your children, contact a woman's shelter and the local police department for advice.) When safety is not the issue, springing this decision on your spouse suddenly and refusing them the time needed to adjust to the idea before you leave is needlessly cruel. Both parties need to know what is coming. Tying the knot is a mutual decision so untying it should be, too.

Divorce To Do Lists for Adoptive Parents

The First Week

1. Resolve to "put the children first" throughout the divorce process. Ask your ex to do the same. Divorce can end up as a sad memory in your child's mind, or the greatest trauma of childhood.

2. If your husband or wife has just walked out on you with little or no advance warning, you may be in "psychological shock" for a few days. During this time, you will have trouble eating, sleeping, concentrating and thinking. You are at much higher risk, statistically, of being in an automobile accident. Force yourself to concentrate. See your doctor for help sleeping. You may not show good judgment in decision-making and yet you need to make many decisions. Ask someone you trust, such as a parent, sibling or close friend for advice, or better yet, to move in with you for a few days. Run options by this person before making decisions. You will never be as vulnerable or in more need of help than you are right now.

3. Help the children through their shock and grief by being available to answer questions and by spending as much time as possible with them. Be honest and age-appropriate with your answers.

4. If you were unprepared for the split, arrange for at least one session with a professional counselor who can help the children, and help you to help your children.

5. Take life one HOUR at a time. For example, fix dinner when it's time to fix dinner and put everything else out of your mind.

6. If your spouse leaves suddenly and the children are with you, you may need to take steps to protect the financial resources. Consider removing funds from joint accounts to an account in your name only until child support negotiations begin. Call credit card companies to cancel joint accounts and ask for new cards to be issued in your name alone. Visit divorce web sites for more detailed lists of financial protections you will need at this time.

7. Look at how the division of labor in your marriage has left you wanting, and take steps to correct this. For example, if your ex was the one who changed flat tires, join an Auto Club right away so that you will have someone to call the next time you have a flat tire. If you don't have a cell phone, NOW is the time to get one. It will be your lifeline in many ways and will help your kids feel more secure.

8. If you think that changing the door locks is a good idea, do it or call a locksmith.

9. Ask your ex to use a divorce mediation service to save money and to keep the situation from becoming angry and volatile. Arrange to meet with the mediator as soon as possible. Negotiate responsibilities in the short term for child support, bill paying and health insurance. INSIST that child support payments be removed from the paycheck automatically and forwarded to you by the employer, by court order. In other words, put this into the divorce decree. In this way, you are more likely to receive the payments steadily, even if your post-divorce relationship deteriorates in the future.

10. In an abandonment situation, if the situation does not remain amicable, do not let your ex into the house anymore. Remember, the person who could just walk out on a spouse and kids without notice is capable of other behaviors you may not be ready for. Don't be too trusting.

The First Six Months

1. Resolve to be fair and ethical no matter how hurt or angry you are, and inform your attorney that you intend to behave in this way. If you have been treated badly, refuse to "sink to that level." Do the right thing, pray for wisdom, and keep prioritizing. Your kids will notice how you deal with stress and anger.

2. Negotiate long term financial and parenting responsibilities. Listen to your mediator or attorney closely. This person is the voice of experience. Divorce should have NO bearing on adoption assistance or subsidies, and vice-versa. If your ex seeks lower child support because of the existence of a subsidy, contact the North American Council on Adoptable Children (www.nacac.org) for their free literature on this subject. Chances are, the divorce court does not know what a subsidy is so it will be your responsibility to provide this information. If you are a stay-at-home parent, make sure that you negotiate your 50% of the pension that your ex-spouse will someday have. Some state laws recognize that in some unions where only one spouse was earning a pension, it was meant to someday support two people.

3. Go through the home carefully and gather up possessions or items you wish your ex to have and make arrangements to get these items delivered or picked up. Do not let your ex go through the home as this could lead to arguments and discord. If some items are heavy, such as an old car, ask your mediator or attorney to place a deadline into the divorce papers for removing this. If it is not gone by the deadline, you may have the right to have it hauled off to a landfill or to give it to someone else. Clearing out the belongings of the ex is a healthy emotional move and necessary for the next phase of healing. Don't remove any family photos from the wall for at least one year. This sends the message to the children that they still have two parents, married or not.

4. Your primary goal is to learn how to be a single parent, how to do it well, and yes, to enjoy it. Do not date. In some states, the law actually forbids dating and co-habitation in the first six months post-divorce. Give yourself time for learning a new way of life, and for healing. Give your kids some time to adjust. There will be plenty of time to date later, if you still want to.

5. Be extra patient with your children and keep lines of communication open. Each child will handle divorce differently, depending on developmental level and personality. Emphasize that this is okay. Be a good listener. Be available. The non-custodial parent should involve the children in the decorating of the bedrooms where they will stay on visits. Ask the child to help you choose colors and furniture. This is empowering for a child who feels powerless to stop divorce. Both parents may be tempted to work overtime because of financial concerns, but be careful. Your children will never need you more than they do right now. There will be plenty of time to work on your debt load later.

6. Don't trash the ex-spouse but don't make excuses for bad behavior either. Be age-appropriate with your children when they ask questions but be honest, too. For example, if your ex has left because of an affair, and your children ask you how this can happen, here are three possible answers for three different age levels:

· (Age 3 to 6) "Married people are not supposed to date others but he (or she) decided to do this anyway. Grown-ups sometimes do things they shouldn't. However, daddy (or mommy) loves you. Nothing changes that."

· (Age 7 to 12) "I wonder about that, too. But this was his (or her) choice. Adults have to live with the consequences of their choices. Just remember that this was in no way your fault. Divorce is caused by adults, not kids."

· (Age 13 to 18) "Only dad (or mom) knows how he (or she) could do this. Don't be afraid to ask dad (or mom) yourself, and to share your feelings. But never forget that this is not about you. And don't worry about your marital future. If anything, this will teach you a lot about avoiding divorce, if you choose to marry someday."

7. Sometimes, the non-custodial spouse will reject some or all of the (adopted and biological) children completely, either gradually or suddenly. This may be due to mental illness or to the influence of the person he or she marries next, or as the result of unresolved issues going back to childhood. Whatever the reason, you must stress to your children that this is not their fault. With foster and adopted children, who have experienced rejection before, this may be particularly painful and difficult. Take time to acknowledge the multiple losses and to talk about feelings. Stress your permanent ongoing commitment. In one case like this, an adopted 7 year old boy was very worried that his mom would run off, too, and never come back. She diffused his anxiety by telling him he was the most important person in her life. She also used humor by making a list of all of her favorite movie stars and posting it on the refrigerator. Then she put an X through each name one at a time as she promised aloud, "I wouldn't even run off with George Clooney....or Brad Pitt......or Denzel Washington.... or...." After that, her son could laugh about his fear.

8. Look after your own interests. If mediation does not work, hire an attorney based on recommendations from others, not based solely on the ad in the telephone book. If necessary, re-write your will and change the beneficiary on your life insurance policy. Ask how divorce will affect your next federal tax return and prepare. Make a long-term financial plan. In a moment, your future vanished. You will need to create a whole new one. Talk to a financial planner or to a friend who knows about such things. Ask yourself where you need to be financially in 5 years, and ten, and twenty, and act accordingly.

9. Give yourself time to grieve. Divorce is not just the death of a marriage, it is the end of a family structure, and the married future you had once planned. Join a support group for the newly divorced- offline, online, or both. Type in "divorce support" at any search engine. Some of these web sites have highly detailed financial checklists you will want to review. Read a good book about divorce recovery. Make lists of things you want to accomplish. Take a little time to pamper yourself. The worst is over. Get a manicure. Rent a good movie once a week. Indulge in a hobby that makes you happy.
10. Avoid new responsibilities for at least one year after the divorce. Try to say no to new pets and volunteer roles. This is a time for re-organization and simplicity of lifestyle. Your plate is full. Look in the mirror and practice saying, "No."

The First Two Years

1. Remember that most people need two full years to feel whole again, so be patient. The first year is the toughest because of all of the firsts: the first birthday as a single, the first Valentine's Day, etc. Try turning the tables on sorrow and celebrate your first "divorceaversary." Take a friend out to dinner and give yourself a gift. You're going to be okay.

2. Keep the lines of communication open with your children. One way to facilitate discussion is with this question: "What do you think will be your 3 best memories of childhood, and 3 worst ones?" Use their answers as a blueprint to making home life even better.

3. If you want to begin dating again, talk to your kids about it regularly for a few weeks before proceeding. They will have many surprising questions. Give them time to get used to the idea and make sure they are clear on how this will and won't affect them.

4. Be as flexible about visitation as you can. This shows your children that you care about their relationship with the other parent.

5. Read up on forgiveness. There has been a lot of research on this subject in recent years. For example, forgiving someone who has wronged you can significantly increase your health, your quality of life and your lifespan. Forgiveness is not about doing something for the other person. They don't even have to know they have been forgiven. Forgiving is about doing something for you. Releasing anger, resentment and hatred liberates you by cutting the final ties. After forgiveness, life can only get better.

Summary

Adopted children have, by definition, suffered previous loss. There should be special attention paid to meeting their emotional needs during this time. A little extra sensitivity goes a long way. Divorce is one of the most stressful events that human beings can go through. But it is not divorce per se that destroys kids' lives. It is divorce that is poorly planned and carried out and that moves the needs of children out of view. It is how a divorce unfolds that determines how much pain it will inflict on all family members.

About the Author

Rita Laws survived divorce in the mid-nineties after a longtime marriage. Overnight, she became the sole custodial parent of the 9 children still in the home, ages 7 to 18. Eventually, she adopted again (as a single person.) Today, there are 5 kids at home (and just as many dogs), and 7 children are grown and on their own. Rita has 3 grandchildren that she calls the "chocolate icing on the cake of parenthood." Life is good.

© 2003 Rita Laws and Nancy Ashe. All rights reserved. No part of this material may be reproduced in any form without written consent.