In our first article on children and divorce (in the September/October 1999 issue of Parent News), we asked Robert Hughes (RH) to talk about the impact of divorce on children's behavior and academic achievement. Robert Hughes is an Associate Professor and Extension Specialist in the Department of Human Development and Family Science at Ohio State University. For the past 20 years, he has conducted educational programs in family relations for family life professionals, and for family members themselves, with a primary emphasis on families at risk, family stress, and single parenting. Parent News (PN) asked him to discuss his work in the area of divorce and its impact on children. This second article looks at what parents, teachers, and caregivers can do to help children adjust to divorce. It concludes with a list of resources.

PN:
In the first article, you talked about the potentially negative effects divorce can have on children's behavior and academic achievement. Can parents do anything to reduce these negative effects?

RH:
Yes. Much of what we've learned about the effects of divorce indicates that parents can contribute greatly to the child's adjustment. Hearing about disruptive behavior may be disheartening, but parents need to remember that the children are going through a difficult time in their lives.

Social scientists have repeatedly found that several factors contribute to the intellectual, social, and emotional development of children. In general, parents who practice a kind but firm style of discipline foster healthy development. Effective discipline requires providing the nurturing and love that children need, while setting firm limits on aggressiveness and other inappropriate behavior. Minimizing the conflict and hostility between parents following the divorce can contribute to positive outcomes. Agreement between the parents on discipline and child rearing, and love and approval from both parents, contribute to the child's sense of well-being and self-worth.

Limiting the disruptions the child must cope with-such as changing residence, schools, and child care-can reduce the number of stressful events within a child's life. Children seem to adjust best when the ex-spouses can support each other in their roles as parents and when the youngsters have regular and frequent contact with both parents. Letting the children know that you are willing to discuss divorce-related concerns can increase their understanding and comfort level with their situation.

PN:
In spite of parents' efforts to do all you suggest, do some children simply adjust more easily to a divorce than others?

RH:
Each child grows and adjusts at his or her own pace. Some children will have few difficulties, while others will experience more problems. Parents who are aware of their children's needs are better able to help them adjust. Children who experience many changes-such as moving to a new place, starting in a new school, or being cared for in a new day care center-have more to handle and may be slower to adjust. When changes can be reduced, the child may have an easier time. Obviously, this is not always possible. When a change is necessary, parents need to let the child know in advance about the change and make it clear that mom and dad are doing their best to make the transition easier.

Children who have had difficulty in the past adjusting to change may also have more problems. There are no easy answers for this situation. Continuing to use kind but firm methods of child rearing will help children adjust.

PN:
Is counseling useful for children who may be having some difficulty adjusting?

RH:
Yes, counseling may be useful. Some schools have begun groups for children whose parents have recently divorced. These programs are designed to help children explore their feelings and learn how other kids from divorced families have found ways to cope. These groups can promote children's adjustment. Sometimes children feel better about their families when they find that other kids are adjusting well to a similar situation. Other types of counseling by social workers, psychologists, marriage and family therapists, and psychiatrists may also be helpful.

PN:
What can teachers and child care providers do to help children adjust to a divorce?

RH:
Children who are experiencing major disruptions in their family life need lots of structure and lots of affection. There are some good demonstrations that children going through divorce, especially those whose parents are unable to provide effective parenting, are positively affected by child care and school environments where they have structured routines and consistent discipline and warmth from teachers or caregivers.

It is important for children who are disruptive and angry to receive consistent negative sanctions and to be rewarded by positive attention when they behave appropriately. Likewise, children who are withdrawn and disengaged need to be treated affectionately and positively, but they need to be strongly encouraged to engage in play and other activities with other children. Many children partly cope with these events by writing or drawing about the things that trouble them. They overcome these struggles, in part, by working through what has happened in these abstract forms. Many children report that success in school or other activities provides a place where they can feel competent and ultimately feel able to deal with the challenges of their changing family.

PN:
How might friends or other family members help children adjust to a divorce?

RH:
Friends or other family members can provide emotional support to children by being available to listen attentively and provide encouragement and understanding. Friends or other family members can provide emotional warmth, reassurance, and comfort. It is helpful for children to be reminded that they are important, valued, and capable of coping with difficulties and learning new activities or skills.

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Robert Hughes suggested the following resources that parents, teachers, and children have found helpful regarding divorce.

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Books for Parents/Adults

Ahrons, Constance R. (1994). The good divorce: Keeping your family together when your marriage comes apart. New York: Basic Books.

American Bar Association. (1996). The American Bar Association guide to family law: The complete and easy guide to the laws of marriage, parenthood, separation, and divorce. New York: Times Books.

Fisher, Bruce. (1995). Rebuilding: When your relationship ends. Atascadero, CA: Impact Publishers.

Kalter, Neil. (1991). Growing up with divorce: Helping your child avoid immediate and later emotional problems. New York: Ballantine Books.

Ricci, Isolina. (1997). Mom's house, dad's house: A complete guide for parents who are separated, divorced, or remarried. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Books for Children

(Family Services of Champaign, Illinois, provided the following list of their suggested books about divorce for young adults.)

Fiction

Blume, Judy. (1979). It's not the end of the world. New York: Bantam Books.
When her parents divorce, this sixth-grade girl struggles to understand that sometimes people are unable to live together.

Cleary, Beverly. (1991). Strider. New York: Morrow.
Leigh talks about coming to terms with her parents' divorce.

Corcoran, Barbara. (1985). Face the music. New York: Atheneum.
Marcie, a first-year college student, realizes that her divorced mother has become very dependent upon Marcie. While trying to become her own person, Marcie's mother objects to Marcie's decision to study music in Texas. In this book, Marcie is presented with the challenge of maintaining the relationship with her mother while following her own aspirations.

Danziger, Paula. (1986). The divorce express. New York: Dell Laurel-Leaf.
As a new freshman in high school, Phoebe must deal with moving to a new school and her parents' separation. Phoebe's parents divorced in order to pursue their different careers. Phoebe lives with her father because her mother's profession requires traveling. In order to visit her mother in New York, Phoebe must ride the "the divorce express." While riding the divorce express, Phoebe meets a new friend Rosie, whose parents are divorced also. Rosie is also taking the bus to see her father who lives in New York. It is during their time together on the divorce express that the two girls are able to discuss their similar problems and disappointments over their parents' divorces.

Fox, Paula. (1986). The moonlight man. New York: Bradbury Press.
Catherine's parents divorced when she was 3 years old. Now, Catherine is 15 years old and is still managing her emotions of her parents' breakup. While her father has been undependable in the past, Catherine takes a trip with her father only to discover that his charm and personality are why she likes to spend time with him.

Haven, Susan. (1988). Maybe I'll move to the lost and found. New York: Putnam.
Fourteen-year-old Gilly strives to assert herself as she copes with her parents' divorce, her problems with her friends, and her own lack of self-confidence.

Hest, Amy. (1989). Where in the world is the perfect family? New York: Clarion Books.
Complications in 12-year-old Cornie's life-divorced parents and a new half-sister-help Cornie find a photojournalism project.

Hurwitz, Johanna. (1984). DeDe takes charge. New York: William Morrow.
DeDe, who is in the fifth grade, must deal with her parents' divorce, as well as help her mother cope with life without her father.

Klass, Sheila Soloman. (1988). Page four. New York: Bantam Books.
David, a senior in high school, has it all-a great family, friends, and grades. However, David's father announces his plan to leave the family for Alaska in order to pursue a relationship with a younger woman. As a result of David's resentment and spite, David almost destroys his life, but David also sees his mother grieving and sets out to help her. While comforting his mother, David begins to cope with his parents' breakup.

Klein, Norma. (1987). Breaking up. New York: Avon Books.
Allison's divorced parents are fighting over who should raise her. The 15-year-old girl is torn between her parents.

Mazer, Harry. (1990). Guy Lenny. New York: Dell Laurel-Leaf.
Twelve-year-old Guy has been living with his father since his parents' divorce. However, his father now believes that Guy needs to live with his mother whom he has not seen in the past 7 years.

McDaniel, Lurlene. (1984). Sometimes love just isn't enough. Worthington, OH: Willowisp Press.
Andrea and Timmy's parents are divorcing. Andrea not only blames herself for her parents' divorce, but also her younger, mentally retarded brother Timmy. Andrea feels that her brother's condition has had an effect on her father because Timmy is the only boy in the family. However, Andrea is able to overcome her feelings and realize that she is lucky to have two parents who love her.

Sweeney, Joyce. (1993). The tiger orchard. New York: Delacorte.
Zack's nightmares are linked to his parents' divorce. This book is a complicated tale of a mother's lack of forgiveness and its impact on her children.

Talbert, Marc. (1991). Pillow of clouds. New York: Dial Books.
Chester is faced with choosing where he should live, at his mother's house or his father's house. Chester has to tell his alcoholic mother in Iowa that he has chosen to live with his father in New Mexico.

Nonfiction

Arnold, William V. (1980). When your parents divorce. Philadelphia: Westminster Press.
This book deals specifically with the difficulties older adolescents and young adults face when their parents divorce. Not only does it talk about the thoughts and feelings they may be experiencing currently, but it explores their future commitments as well.

Booher, Diana Daniels. (1979). Coping when your family falls apart. New York: Julien Messner.
A guide for adolescents whose parents are divorcing. This book is designed to help children cope with the divorce while emphasizing a positive attitude and growth toward a new life.

Gardner, Richard A. (1970). The boys and girls book about divorce. New York: Science House.
Dr. Gardner speaks honestly and directly to boys and girls about the feelings they may experience when their parents get divorced. For each of the problems that he describes, he offers suggestions as to things children can do to make themselves feel better and about things that may make life easier and more pleasant for them and for their parents.

Jackson, Michael, & Jackson, Jessica. (1981). Your father's not coming home anymore. New York: Richard Marek.
Intended for both parents and teens, this book attempts to show the effects divorce has on the lives of children and young adults. The Jacksons, themselves children of divorce, interviewed 38 teenagers between the ages of 13 and 21 about their experience of the divorce of their parents and how they survived it.

Johnson, Linda Carlson. (1992). Everything you need to know about your parents' divorce. New York: Rosen.
This book provides an idea of what adolescents need to know about their parents' divorce.

Krementz, Jill. (1974). How it feels when parents divorce. New York: Knopf.
This book covers 19 different children and their stories of their experiences with divorce.

LeShan, Eda J. (1986). What's going to happen to me? When parents separate or divorce. New York: Macmillan.
The author has written this book for 10- to 13-year-olds. This book addresses questions that children may have about their parents' divorce, before, during, and after. In addition, LeShan suggests ways of coping with family problems characteristic of divorce.

Mayle, Peter. (1979). Divorce can happen to the nicest people. New York: Macmillan.
This book, which includes some color pictures, gives some straightforward answers to young adults. It discusses such issues as why parents get married, what goes wrong, ways to deal with other men and other women, living with stepparents, and who's right, who's wrong, and who's to blame. It also tells youngsters to make an extra effort to make new friends, have room for an "extra life," and remember that their parents need their help too.

McGuire, Paul. (1987). Putting it together. New York: Delacorte.
Teenagers talk frankly about how the family breakup affects them as they are trying to establish their own identity and sense of security.

Robson, Bonnie. (1980). My parents are divorced too: Teenagers talk about their experiences and how they cope. New York: Everest House.
Based on interviews with 38 young adults, this book explores youth's understanding of their parents' divorce, their feelings about it, and how they coped with it. It also offers suggestions both to the young adults and their parents about coping with divorce.

Rofes, Eric E. (1986). The kid's book about divorce: By, for, and about kids. New York: Harper and Row.
This book contains stories of 20 different children, ages 11 to 14, discussing many different aspects of divorce including custody, parents' boyfriends and girlfriends, how they were told of their parents' divorce, and how the divorce has changed their life.

Web Sites

Demographics

Births, Marriages, Divorces, and Deaths: Provisional Data for January 1998
National Vital Statistics Reports, 47(1).
http://www.cdc.gov/nchswww/data/nvsr47_1.pdf
This site contains the most current report on divorce and remarriage statistics. This document file will only work with Adobe Acrobat 3.0.

Comprehensive Report on Divorce Demographics (CDC) (1995)
http://www.cdc.gov/nchswww/releases/95facts/95sheets/fs_4312s.htm
This link describes this demographic report and the procedures for obtaining the full report.

Divorce Demographics
http://www.cdc.gov/nchswww/fastats/divorce.htm
This site contains brief summaries as well as links to pdf files with complete data.

Marital Status and Living Arrangements (U.S. Census Bureau)
http://www.census.gov/population/www/socdemo/ms-la.html
This site provides current as well as historic data on divorce.

Youth Indicators 1996 / Indicator 4. Divorce.
http://nces.ed.gov/pubs/yi/y9604a.html [NPIN Editor's note (3-14-03): this url has changed: http://nces.ed.gov/pubs98/yi/y9604a.asp]
A table that provides the living arrangements of children is included on this site.

Legal Issues

American Bar Association, Section on Family Law
http://www.abanet.org/family/home.html
The ABA includes a variety of public documents on family law issues related to divorce, custody, and other issues. There is also information about finding an attorney, expectations for attorneys, as well as links to additional legal information.

Divorce Law
http://www.law.cornell.edu/topics/divorce.html
This site contains materials compiled by the Legal Information Institute at Cornell University. It is one of the most complete sources of legal divorce information online.

Divorce HelpLine
http://www.divorcehelp.com
This site provides a variety of practical information to use when you are thinking about getting divorced. This source also contains a brief short course on divorce written by an attorney.

Divorce Adjustment

DivorceNet
http://www.divorcenet.com/
This general resource center provides a variety of information about divorce and post-divorce.

Divorce Online
http://www.divorce-online.com/index.html
This resource provides legal, financial, and psychological information about divorce for both the general public and professionals.

Support Groups

Rainbows
http://www.rainbows.org/
Rainbows is a nonprofit organization that offers information on establishing peer support groups for children.

Parents without Partners
http://www.parentswithoutpartners.org/
This organization provides single parents and their children with an opportunity for enhancing personal growth, self-confidence, and sensitivity towards others by offering an environment for support, friendship, and the exchange of parenting techniques. Founded by two single parents, it is now the largest international, nonprofit membership organization devoted to the welfare and interests of single parents and their children. Single parents may join one of 400+ chapters; they may be male or female, custodial or noncustodial, separated, divorced, widowed, or never-married. Distinct from chapter membership, the affiliate membership is offered to any interested person or business, and the member-at-large membership is offered to any qualified individual.

Child Support

U. S. Government Office on Child Support Enforcement
http://www.acf.dhhs.gov/ACFPrograms/CSE/ [NPIN Editor's note (04-24-02): this URL has changed: http://www.acf.dhhs.gov/programs/cse/]
This site includes reports on child support, links to state child support enforcement, newsletters on current issues, guidelines on obtaining child support, and more.

Child Support Network
http://www.childsupport.com/
Child Support Network (CSN) is a specialized service company designed to locate missing parents and collect and enforce court-ordered child support payments. This agency is an alternative to overburdened state child support agencies. CSN is licensed and bonded and is a member of the Child Support Council and the Single Parents Association.

Children's Issues

Children's Rights Council (CRC)
http://www.vix.com/crc/
CRC is an organization that works to assure a child the frequent, meaningful, and continuing contact with two parents and extended family the child would ideally have during a marriage. This group works to strengthen families through education, favoring family formation and family preservation. Unlike many other organizations with some of the same concerns, CRC is genderless-it is not a women's group nor a men's group. Rather, this group advocates what they believe to be in the best interests of children, including the Children's Bill of Rights.

Religious Help Organizations

DivorceCare
http://www.divorcecare.com
This site provides a package of resources to assist churches in ministry to people hurting because of separation and divorce. They provide the tools people need begin a new divorce ministry or enhance an existing one.

For more information:

Amato, Paul R., & Keith, Bruce. (1991). Parental divorce and the well-being of children: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 110(1), 26-46.

Clarke, S. C. (1995, July 14). Advance report of final marriage statistics: 1989 and 1990. Monthly Vital Statistics Report, 43(12) Supplement [Online]. Available: http://www.cdc.gov/nchswww/data/mv43_12s.pdf [1999, June 7].

Hetherington, E. Mavis; Bridges, Margaret; & Insabella, Glendessa M. (1998). What matters? What does not? Five perspectives on the association between marital transitions and children's adjustment. American Psychologist, 53(2), 167-184.

Jeynes, William H. (1998). Does divorce or remarriage have the greater negative impact on the academic achievement of children. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 29(1-2), 79-100.

Simons, Ronald L. (1996). Understanding differences between divorced and intact families: Stress, interaction, and child outcome. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.