There is a fine line between guiding a child to make better choices and forcing your ideals on a person. Teens usually like many things that parents view with disdain, music is one of them. A parent needs to guide their kids gently to help them discover good taste, but even more important is to be open- minded.

First, let's determine how bad their music really is, before we 'condemn it.' Someone can consider any music good music if it meets their own particular criteria. Music that teens love is usually loud, often has lots of bass, and usually has lyrics to make one blush. First listen to their music. Really listen. If the lyrics are a bit on the permissive side, you may need to talk to your teen about why this type of music is not best for them. If the lyrics promote violence, sexual perversions, serious disregard for the law, or degradation of women, do not allow it. No explanation is necessary, but if you choose to tell them why, you will need to explain your own viewpoints and values.

A funny thing sometimes happens when a parent really listens to a teen's music. They learn to like it. It may open up a whole other type of music for them. This is a positive thing if a parent really does like the music since it becomes another bonding area. Do not, however, pretend you like something you really don't like.

Most parents dislike hearing their young person's music period, but especially at full blast. The house rules should state something about certain times being quiet and an acceptable volume being expected at all times. Music lovers will swear music should be heard at a high volume and even though I tend to agree in many cases, I still think we need to promote a time of quiet and mellowness in our homes. There are times for music at higher volumes, like parties and dances.

In my foster home, we allowed kids to listen to their music at full volume sometimes; eventually the novelty wore off. We also encouraged them to listen to all kinds of music. When we traveled, even for short distances, we took turns sharing tapes with the whole family. For every one of theirs, they listened to one of ours. They even often discovered they liked some of the 'old folk's stuff.' We always had a variety of music to share and it was a fun experience.

Try to show kids that all types of music can have a place in their lives, but do not stifle their individuality. What we like indicates who we are and is a part of the adult we become. Teens should be able to experiment in safe arenas and music is generally one of them. Once the lousy stuff is weeded out, there are still tons of possibilities.

If your teen truly loves the songs promoting bad behaviors and perverse thinking, this may be a sign of a pretty serious problem. Learn to really listen to what your teen is listening to. You cannot make logical judgments unless you hear and understand the words. Give kids the benefit of the doubt until it is proven you must monitor them closer. Encourage free- thinking as long as the results are not harmful to others or themselves. Destructive music must be avoided, but let your teen be creative in every other aspect of his selections. Just because parents do not like it, is not reason enough to forbid it. Remember that our parents hated rock and roll and thought it was sinful also. Keep an open mind and try to get to know your son or daughter better through their music.

Credits: Jo Ann Wentzel