Early Interest in the Opposite Sex
Question: Our son, who is a sixth-grader, came home recently saying that he's "going with" a girl in his class at school. We think he's way too young for dating and we're concerned about where this early start with girls might lead. On the other hand, we don't want to overreact. How should we respond?
Answer: Your instinct to not overreact is a good one for several reasons. "Going with" a girl may not mean the same thing to a sixth-grader as it does to us older folks, and probably is no cause for concern. First of all, some of my young "consultants" from the local grade school tell me that "going with" usually does not mean actually going out on dates. It often just means that the boy and girl talk in the hall after school, pass notes, tease each other and perhaps call each other on the phone (usually with lots of friends around for encouragement). "Going with" someone is a public way of saying that you like each other--at least this week. Being a part of a couple, if only for a few days, is a way for young people to feel a sense of belonging--a status symbol as much as a romantic experience. And it's a way for kids to try on adolescent or adult roles within the rules and terms of their age mates.
So, how should you respond to your son's new ventures into the world of romance? Here are a few suggestions.
Be glad that he told you about his girlfriend. As he begins to find his place in the world of boy-girl relationships, it is important that he know he can talk to you openly about his feelings and experiences. This is a time when he will develop lifelong attitudes about women and relationships, so encourage him to talk about who he likes and what he likes about them; how to treat them with respect and sensitivity; and even some of the tough issues, such as what to do when a relationship is one-sided or it's time to break up.
If you haven't already, get to know the boys and girls who are his friends. Seek out their parents and decide as a community what the rules and expectations will be as the kids gain greater independence and freedom.
Be sure that the kids have safe places to just hang out together--places where they have enough privacy to play and talk without adults hovering, but enough supervision to help them stay on track. Getting together in mixed groups--to order pizza, watch videos, play group games or just talk--can be good practice for what to say and do as they get older and begin individual dating.
Try to remember what it was like to be your son's age--what was important to you, how you felt, what kind of support and guidance you wanted from your parents or other adults. Although the world is different in many ways, the heart and mind of a 12-year-old are much the same as it was in our day. As with so many aspects of parenting, our memories of our own childhoods can help remind us of what we want to repeat--or not repeat--as we nurture our children through each new stage.
Editor's note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. You may fax them to (612) 624-6369 or send them to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
