When Amanda's father died two months ago, her own grief was compounded by her worry over how the death would affect her own two children. And how was ten-year-old Steven going to come to terms with the fact that his best friend would no longer be there to take him fishing or just to talk?

There is no one absolute or right way to deal with children when their lives are touched by tragedy. Rather, how a parent or other trusted adult approaches talking about death would be determined by circumstance as well as the age and temperament of each child.

For instance, Amanda recalls that her four-year-old asked incessant questions about the physical realities of her grandparent's death. Meanwhile, ten-year-old Steven seemed to be have hopped aboard an emotional roller coaster. Lashing out in anger one moment, he would express feelings of guilt, insecurity and profound sadness the next
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Beyond being mindful of individual reactions and needs, there are a number of other ways a parent can help and comfort a child deal with the death of a family member, friend or favorite pet.

To begin with, it's wise to avoid pretense and to speak openly and clearly about death. Denying or shrouding a death in mystery or hiding one's pain -- in the mistaken belief that such behavior protects a child -- can do lasting harm. Like adults, children need to accept, grieve and mourn the death of a loved one.

That's why bereavement counselors often advise allowing children to participate in funeral rituals, which do much to help people through the sharp hurts of early grief.

Yet, at the same time, adults need to be careful not to overwhelm a child by talking too much about the death. The best rule of thumb is to simply answer the questions that a child poses about death.

Perhaps the most healing gesture is a simple caress. An enveloping hug can convey to a child many messages, not the least of which is that, in spite of sad events, he is loved and not alone.

© Algoma Family Services