Writing the "Perfect" Letter to the Adoptive Parents

The letters I receive concerning my birth daughter are so long and full of love. Her parents send me wonderful updates in detail: from her first step to her first day at daycare. They tell of their trips all around the world and how my birth daughter reacts to everything she sees, touches and feels. It amazes that these two people can write something so expressive that I can actually imagine myself right there experiencing everything with them.

Each picture they send is beautiful. All are "natural" shots of my birth daughter. She could be looking up into a tree with colorful leaves reaching up to try and get one and I can put myself there. All of the pictures have specific details of where, when and why they were taken.

I read their letters 2 maybe 3 times each. At the end it almost always says "Thank you, Sharon, for giving us this wonderful little girl. We love you."

Most of the letters are 3-5 pages long. I get one from her mother and a separate one from her father. Each have their own stories to tell about how my birth daughter has blessed their lives and embraced it. They speak of their extended families a lot. Especially the grandparents and how much they just love "their little girl".

After I read each of the letters I receive I sit and try to write them back. I tell them what is happening in my life and express my love and gratitude for all they do for my birth daughter and I. When I finish the letters I usually end up throwing them away and start over. I must write at least 4 letters before I send just the right one. I find it difficult to write to them, not because I can't but because they send me such wonderful long expressive letters that when I look at my response, it seems short and boring. I never really have any updates to give them. I don't have all the exciting news like they do of a little girl growing up and changing everyday.

I took a lot of time to sit and think of why it is so difficult to write these letters. I think it is because I have made myself believe that they expect so much more from me with each letter; that my birth daughter expects more. I look at my letters and realize they are all usually the same short boring day-to-day events in my life. "I am now attending school. Zak is 8 now and in 3rd grade. He is doing very well."

It took me months to realize that my birth daughter and her parents don't care how exciting my life is. They don't expect anything from me. They are just as excited as I am to receive updates and news, even if they haven't changed very much. It doesn't matter what the contents of the letter are it is the fact that I actually write to them and express my love for my birth daughter in them. That way when she is older and questions my love or her "brother's" love she will know that we do love her.

When writing a letter to adoptive parents don't worry so much about "impressing" them or wondering how to word things. Just put what is in your heart and I guarantee your birth child will appreciate it in the long run. They will know that you love them and always thought about them. That is what really matters in the end. Because the first questions from an adoptive child are usually - "Why?" and "Didn't you love me?" Writing letters, no matter how boring, will show your birth child just how much you do love them.

If you have a closed adoption, I suggest writing letters all the time; it is a good form of therapy. If and when your birth child tries to find you, the first gift you can give to your birth child (again) is your heart. After that, a hug and all the letters you wrote over the years. Then they will know you thought about them and love them very much.

All words you put on your letters are expressions of the heart. Any adoptive mother, father or birth child will appreciate it.

©2002 Sharon A. Roberts
Birth mother to "Anthony" 1992
and Lily 1998

My Website - My Heart Reborn
http://www.myheartreborn.org

© Sharon Roberts. ©1992-2001Adoption Week e-Magazine

Credits: Sharon Roberts