During the next few months, people around the world will begin planning their holiday festivities. Fall harvest festivals culminate in Thanksgiving in the United States. The winter brings celebrations such as Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, and New Year's Day.

These festivities give us time to pause from routines and gather with our community of friends and family. We may celebrate our faith, our new hope for the new year, or simply the closure of another year that we survived.

Recently, we asked our PARENTING-L Listserv members how they view these family gatherings and celebrations. The PARENTING-L Listserv is supported by the National Parent Information Network and discusses many issues related to parenting, family life, and education. The members' responses are summarized below.

From Israel, we received the following:

"At the moment we live in Israel, so family gatherings are kind of hard to get to. When I was a kid, we used to get together with aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents for all the Jewish holidays. The activities we planned were based on the holiday itself and its religious traditions. Being in Israel, my kids are learning the traditional aspects of the holidays more in depth than I ever did. However, they do lose out on the family part of it. Whereas most people spend the holidays with their extended family, my kids don't have that opportunity. We have a surrogate family here that we usually spend the holidays with, so hopefully that helps."

Many families are separated by distance but develop methods of getting together. We hear from the United States:

"We usually have several Christmases, and we're lucky if any of them are on Christmas Day! My parents live 500 miles away, my sister lives 2500 miles away. Usually we trade the drive to visit with my parents over Christmas weekend or New Year's Day. I find that now that I have a child it is more important to me to attend these things and connect with family."

Other families live closer to extended family and will spend one evening at one grandparent's home and the next day at another grandparent's home:

"We're very lucky to live 20 minutes from one grandmother and 60 minutes from the other, plus two uncles and an aunt. And our kids are the only ones in the area. As a result, we've used family for sitters. I am glad the kids can get close to their extended family. Our holiday foods are traditional. Every New Year's Day we drive 2-1/2 hours to spend the day with my mother's cousin and eat beans to give us luck for the New Year."

From Maine, we hear that one family usually has a white Christmas as well as important traditions:

"My father plays Santa and passes out the gifts, rotating the recipient. This allows everyone to enjoy the holiday and what we all receive and who gave it...it's not rushed! We are a Catholic family so we go to mass on Christmas Eve."

Some families have developed a tradition of helping others. For example:

"During the Christmas season, we collect food for our church food drive, and Matthew picks out 2 toys at the store to give to the local Toys for Tots Program. We have been trying to teach Matthew that we need to help people who aren't as lucky as we are. Also, we are lucky that our parents live 1-1/2 hours from us and my grandparents 2-1/2 hours away, so we can visit fairly frequently."

However, there are times when those family celebrations don't work out exactly as planned. For instance:

"We have always been the ones who have had to travel to family gatherings because we have lived on a coast (both) and our families are in the Midwest. They have, without exception, been no fun or downright horrible for one reason or another. Perhaps I can pass along some tips for getting through the horribles.

* Prepare yourselves and the children: If Grandma smokes like a chimney, try to see that the children sleep away from her room. If you are expected to take part in activities, inquire about age-appropriate things for the kids, babysitting possibilities, necessary clothes.

* Incorporate some of your nuclear family's traditions into the larger group, e.g., cinnamon rolls for Christmas breakfast.

* Do fun things before and after the trip that are special for your nuclear family. You may also want to take time out for your own family during the trip, just to blow off steam if your relatives are driving you crazy.

* Invite a friend. People are sometimes inhibited from exhibiting their worst holiday grumpiness in the presence of a non-family member.

* Understand why people are behaving like they are.

* Use the opportunity to quiz family members about family history. This always produces fun conversation, and it is really good for the children to hear the stories.

* Have a couple of secret presents packed away, even for yourself.

* Don't overload your luggage with gifts, if you fly. They may get lost or be crushed or stolen. Ship ahead or buy them when you get there."

There may also be some tensions regarding child-rearing issues when families come together. Dr. Lilian Katz (1983) in Child-Rearing Disagreements from our Parent Library has some suggestions:

* Exercise restraint so that most of the detailed argument can be played out away from the child.

* Develop a list of the issues which may spark disagreements and set aside time to discuss them.

* Remember, sensitive issues may be associated with painful memories of your childhood.

* Total agreement is not necessary; it is probably helpful for a child to observe how an adult accommodates differences.

In spite of the difficulties, when families or friends can't be together, they are frequently missed. From Canada we hear: "We no longer live close enough to family to visit. However, my family had some traditions that I really enjoyed when I was a child. Every Christmas we would have our presents and our turkey dinner, then head over to my grandmother's. During the afternoon, all of her children and their families would come to visit. On New Year's Day, every year we would all get together for a huge potluck and family "reunion" of sorts. It was really good. We would play games and get caught up on all of the family news. Easter we would go there too and have an Easter egg hunt. My aunt would hide eggs for each set of nieces and nephews as they arrived. It brings back many pleasant memories. I really REALLY wish I could spend Christmas with my family this year." We also asked our PARENTING-L Listserv to let us know about some family games which have become a tradition. Here are two:

"A game that my in-laws play during Christmas time is the dice game. Everybody brings approximately 5 wrapped gifts, most of which is silly stuff they have around the house and never use. All the gifts go in the center of the table, then we take turns rolling the dice. If you get a 7 or 11, you get to pick a gift. After all the gifts have been dispersed, the timer is set for 10 minutes and everybody rolls the dice quickly. If you get a 7 or 11, you are allowed to steal a gift from somebody else. Our family has grown quite a bit over the years, so now we divide the group into adults and children. Some of us will go to the Dollar Store and buy things for the kids and wrap those for the children's dice game. This is a fun game! One of the things that makes the game funny is when someone chooses a gift because of the way it is wrapped! One year my father-in-law "fought" for a gift--it turned out to be a breast-feeding book!"

"We play a game called "Sardines," a reverse hide-and-go-seek. One person hides while everyone else counts. The group then spreads out looking for the missing person. You may not turn on any lights that are not already on. We usually try to leave some lit areas for safety. When you find the person, hide with them. The first person to find the missing family member hides next. It's quite a hoot when you have 20+ people playing. We have played it on a smaller scale in a house too."

Festivals, holidays, and celebrations with our family and friends are part of the valuable tapestry which weaves our traditions, culture, and community. From all the staff at ERIC/EECE and the National Parent Information Network, we wish you the very best during this holiday time.

Sources:

Katz, Lilian G. et al. (1983). Child-rearing disagreements. Family living: Suggestions for effective parenting. ERIC Clearinghouse on Elementary and Early Childhood Education, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, Children's Research Center, 51 Gerty Drive, Champaign, IL 61820-7469

Many thanks to our contributors from the PARENTING-L Listserv:

R&M Biever
Leona Conrick
Deborah L. Dinkuhn
Nicolle Fontaine
Kelley D. Insana
Mark Kushinsky
Margaret Oakes
Christine A. Weichart
Martha Whittemore