Breaking the Cycle

Ruth had reached one of the hardest decisions of her life. After suffering years of physical abuse at the hands of her husband, she made the choice to flee with her three children, seven-year-old Martha and four-year-old twin boys, Liam and Casey.

Over the next year, as she made the difficult journey from abusive home to women's shelter and finally to a new place of her own, Ruth's emotions skipped from depression and grief to fear and euphoria, a normal pattern for women in such circumstances.

It was an equally difficult time for Ruth's children. Already harmed by witnessing the violence in their own home, the children were now reeling as they coped with the uncertainty of a new life. Gone were their home, friends, financial security and their father, whom they continued to love regardless of his faults.

Ruth found Martha's initial reaction particularly difficult to cope with. "Mummy," insisted the girl, "if only you had been nicer to Daddy, he wouldn't have done the things he did. It's your fault he hit you." The boys, meanwhile, responded to the change by lashing out at each other and anyone else who happened to cross their path.

At the advice of a shelter worker, Ruth arranged for group counseling for all three of the kids. It's particularly important that children in crisis have a safe place to air feelings, understand that they are not alone and learn that other children have shared and survived their experiences.

At the counselor's advice, Ruth also told the children in simple terms why she made the decision she did. As well, she repeatedly took time to tell her children she loved them.

She told them too that the life they would make for themselves would be safer, calmer and infinitely better than that which they had left behind. Forever.

For some weeks, Lisa, a volunteer at her local mums and tots drop-in center had been fretting. She was worried that one of the younger mothers, Raised, a single parent with a four-month-old baby, was abusing her child. Yesterday, when Rose and Patrick visited the center, Lisa observed bruises on the baby's buttocks and legs. It was then that she decided to intervene.

As society moves away from a spare the rod, spoil the child mentality and toward a condemnation of physical punishment, people like Lisa are increasingly refusing to stand by and watch a child be hit, spanked, beaten or abused.

Research indicates that there are three main reasons why abusers abuse children. They believe they have the right to control and punish others. They believe that physical punishment is effective. They don't know any better and are ignorant about good parenting practices.

Rose, for instance, when confronted by Lisa, said that Patrick was crying too much and that she was spanking him in order to teach him not to cry. It was only when Lisa told her that infants cry to let his parents know he needs something -- food , a change, a hug -- that Rose, an inexperienced but caring mother, changed her ways.

The evidence is clear that children who are abused suffer lasting harm. As young victims, they can exhibit symptoms ranging from bed wetting to bullying. As adults, they can be insecure, passive or abusers themselves.

The good news is that with intervention and education, the cycle can be broken. Increasing intolerance of family violence has led to the establishment of organizations for abusive husbands and fathers. Too, nearly all communities now offer parenting workshops, which teach new parents about stress management, effective discipline and problem solving.

No question, the sea change is blessed news to all the Patrick's of the world.

© Algoma Family Services