Beyond What to Wear.

The paperwork has been filled out, birthmothers have chosen a couple to meet, waiting couples have received the call. The anticipation and anxiety of the first meeting sets in.

Beyond worrying about what to wear, birthmothers are sorting through questions they'd like to ask, reactions they'd like to get, and ultimately what to look for. Adopting couples are sorting through what kind of answers to give, how to react, and ultimately how to present themselves emotionally.

Do we shake hands or hug? Do we sit across from or next to her? Should we prepare questions to ask, or let her guide the meeting? What would not be appropriate to say, and what should we offer? Do we bring a gift?

First meetings are important. Also important are the caseworkers or mediators that will be directing and guiding the meeting.

Are they keeping the conversation flowing? Have they properly introduced everyone in the room? Is the atmosphere comfortable? Are they helping everyone to stay relaxed? Are they helping everyone to ask questions? Are they evaluating what is being said and re-stating everything so that it's understood?

Common no-no's to first meetings:

~ bringing in others who are not directly impacted or necessary, ie: friends or family members that may not be supportive or prepared for the meeting.
~ talking about infertility issues.
~ agreeing to anything you're really not prepared to agree to.
~ over-talking when it feels uncomfortable.
~ scheduling your meeting on a day when you don't have a lot of time.

One of the most difficult realities of first meetings is that you may come out of it feeling that the match may not be the right one. One of the most difficult decisions is letting your caseworker know that you feel that way. First meetings are in no way a contract between parties that solidifies your commitment to one another. First meetings are created for the purpose of finding out whether or not you want to make a life commitment with one another.

Birthmothers should not feel obligated to continue with a waiting couple if they feel, after the first meeting, that they may not be the right ones. This is also true for waiting couples. Yet it is emotionally overwhelming to speak up, realizing that the process will have to start all over again. Waiting couples do not want to risk the opportunity of becoming parents and birthparents are often overwhelmed and emotionally and physically may feel that they need to choose so that they can continue on with the process.

*to be continued

Are you preparing now for a first meeting? What are your fears and concerns? Have you recently had a first meeting and would like to share your experience?

Do you have any thoughts or opinions on what works and what doesn't, or maybe you had a wonderful experience and would like to share it. We would love to hear from you! Please send your stories, opinions, and thoughts to courtneyfrey@adelphia.net