I have received many positive responses to my article on what a Birthmother does not want to hear, that I have decided to respond to those who wish to know what we may want to have said to us in a conversation.

My only goal is to educate those who are willing to learn. This is for those who do not want to walk upon eggshells around a woman who has placed her child in an open adoption. We know when you are uncomfortable around us, for eggshells make loud crunching noises when walked upon.

I. "I could never place my baby for adoption," this is a negative comment. It suggests the Birthmother is less of a Mother because she placed her child for adoption.

Instead, try something along the lines of, "A true mother does what was in the best interest of her child."

I appreciate the acknowledgement that I am indeed a Mother. Not could have been a Mother, or used to be a Mother, but I am a Mother. Of course, I know what I am without this kind of confirmation from others, but to hear it is encouraging even on the worst days.

II. "What a wonderful gift you have given to a childless couple;" ,is another comment that makes me cringe. I prefer to hear, "What a gift you have given your child."

For many myself, this was a main reason I placed my child for adoption. As a mother I must choose for my child what is best, even if it meant stepping down as her parent. As I have stated before, my daughter's adoptive parents are a gift to my daughter, not the other way around.

III. Some people say, "You can have other children." Ouch, that one may seem innocent enough, but for many it is harsh on the ears and brutal on the heart . The above comment suggests that our children are replaceable, and they are not. Ask anyone who has lost a child to miscarriage or death. Does having another erase the pain left by the absence of the first? Never.

This was once said to me: "When you have other children you will be happy, but I know you will never forget Emily, and you shouldn't." I liked this, it validated the feeling that it is okay to always remember my firstborn and it is okay to grieve over the fact that it was in her best interest that I chose someone else to parent her.

IV. Once a lady said to me, "It sure is 'nice' of Emily's parents to let you see her". My quick response was, "It sure was nice of me to give Emily's parents my child". She was silent after that. She was not speaking innocently here, for if she was, I would not have been so blunt in my response to her. She had a hidden meaning lurking in her voice that I did not care for.

This woman's attitude was that I should keep my eyes downcast, while wearing sackcloth as I am hidden in a back corner until the glorious moment Emily's parents were 'ready' for me to come forth.

Instead of this comment, try, "I am excited for you that you have an open adoption..tell me about it..etc."

I am pleased to say that I get this response more and more as time passes. I suspect it is because people are more aware of open adoptions and the benefits that can come along with it. I have talked to a countless number of people that have a cousin, a sister, or a dear friend who have placed in an open adoption. With this knowledge, people are more open to talk about adoption.

Which brings me to number five.

V. Saying nothing at all.

Many of us do want to talk about our children and how they are still in our lives. There is great healing for us in telling our story. We want to tell it, if you want to listen.

I feel a wave of pride just like any other Mother does when showing off a newly taken picture of her child. I love to brag endlessly about the cute things Emily did last week!

I was open and honest with everyone at the job I first had after placing Emily. I always was asked wonderful, heartfelt questions. I was constantly asked to show recent pictures of my Emily. They were elated when I actually brought Emily in to show her off.

It came to be when someone new was hired, my co-workers would fill in the new staff member about my story before I had the chance to even introduce myself.

I had a friend who asked the deep questions. After a few months she confided in me that she was adopted. That's when I realized the value of being vulnerable.

I was only willing to be open because someone was willing to ask.

Skye Hardwick (c)2000

© Skye Hardwick (c)2000

Credits: Skye Hardwick