Foster Care to Adoption

I have often been asked, "Why did you and your wife become foster parents?". I usually took the easy way out and replied "why not" or "or we had nothing better to do" or if a business customer would ask, I gave a reply something like "we wanted to help kids" trying to impress him.

There was another reason that was a little selfish on our parts. We had a five year old son and we did not want him growing up as an only child. When my wife gave birth to my son, after a troublesome pregnancy, she had a terribly long painful delivery. So much so, she knew it was something she would never be willing to go through again. We didn't have the financial resources to even consider some of the adoption alternatives. Fortunately, my wife befriended a neighbor who happened to be a foster parent.

Until then, we had no idea about foster care or the types of kids that are in the foster care system. We did have a lot of pre-conceived notions. This neighbor had one foster daughter about six years old. Every inaccurate opinion I ever had about foster children, this six year old shattered. She was cute, polite, friendly, obviously intelligent, and if that wasn't enough, the most talented young gymnast I had ever seen. She gave us a demonstration of hand walking, cartwheels, and numerous other tricks that was amazing. While we didn't end up with any gymnasts, we were foster parents for dozens and dozens of children and were extremely fortunate enough to be able to adopt seven of them.

Becoming a foster parent wasn't difficult. We contacted our local county Department of Social Services. There were interviews, some paperwork, and training classes to attend. Since there was a shortage of families willing to be foster parents at the time (there probably still is) "Social Services" treated any family, who they thought of as a good candidate, extremely well. In fact, the shortage was so acute that we received our first foster care placement even before we were certified.

I would describe what my family has done as the "Greatest Adventure". People skydive, ski, ride motorcycles, etc. for the feeling of adventure and excitement. I only had to come home from work. For a while, when we were active as emergency foster parents, (willing to accept kids on an emergency basis anytime of the day or night) I never knew how many kids would be in the house when I came home (anywhere from 8 -14). I can also tell you that while these kids came to us, usually to be removed from a "problem situation", they were, on the whole, no problem to us. In the end, many kids came and left but there were seven who stayed to be adopted. No vacation, no trip to the amusement park and no success at work could ever compare to the excitement and emotional satisfaction that these kids have brought to my life. Yes, there were some problems, disappointments, and "emotional lows", but, they were minor in comparison to the overall picture.

Well, enough about me. I'd like to give you a chance to hear from the kids. To do that I first wrote a little description of each and asked each kid a question I thought might be of interest to you and posted their answers below:

BOY #1 - Our oldest son entered the family by birth 30 years ago. A great child that was willing to share his parents, his house, his possessions, with those that were placed with us and especially those we were fortunate enough to adopt. He is now happily married, making a six figure income, and soon looking forward to starting his own family. I gave him the following question:

How do you now feel about having seven brothers and sister instead of growing up as an only child?

BOY#1's answer:
Asking me how I feel about having seven brothers and sisters instead of growing up as an only child is not quite fair. I don't know how it would feel NOT having them in my life. I don't think I would be the same person without them. They all are a part of me and I would not want it any other way.

As I get older and I don't see everyone as much, I can't tell you how much I look forward to big holidays, so we can all get together and catch up. I loved last year's Thanksgiving getting everyone together at my house.

I know how much that you and Mom enjoy the kids. It has been hard on both of you to have brought up so many with different personalities. Both of you have given each one of us your love and life. All I can hope is to be as good as a person as both of you have been to us.

GIRL #1 - A lovely 27 year old young lady that is very close to my wife and I. She is a college graduate that is doing quite well. As the oldest girl she has been of enormous help with the other kids that came into the house. She currently shares an apartment with her boyfriend.

Fortunately, the apartment is located within walking distance from us. She was placed with us as a foster child when she was nine years old and adopted a few years after that. If you have ever wondered whether an older adoption can be successful, this young lady has proved it can. Here's her question:

You had an active part in helping take care of many of the kids that were placed in our home as foster kids. How would describe these kids?

GIRL#1's answer:
Of all the kids I helped take care of, there was a lot, each child was different, special, and unique in there own way. All of them wanted to be in a safe, loving, trusting environment. Somehow, if only for a while, we all became brothers and sisters - a family - whether a kid was with us for a couple of days, weeks, months, or years.

BOY #2 - A handsome, talented 25 year old young men. A college graduate that is currently an associate producer of a nationally televised talk show. He is living in his own apartment, within a mile from us. He came to the house as a foster child at 2 ½ years of age. Became the first child that we adopted a few years later. His question:

How do you handle the fact that you have been adopted, with friends, with members of your biological family that you have contact with, and with business associates?

BOY #2's answer:
Being adopted was a gift from someone one above. I guess you can say if I was not adopted where would I be today. Since the age of two I looked at my adopted parents as my biological Mother and Father. I was never really affected with the transition of leaving my biological parents. I just continued to move forward with my life and be happy that I had two people who loved me like I was their own child. Throughout elementary school to high school I was never questioned about being adopted. However, I never kept it secret. Sometimes teachers would ask me how many brothers and sisters are in my family? I would always reply, "I have three brothers and four sisters and mother and father and also my dog buttons". My family was larger than the Brady Bunch. My adopted parents always strived for the best for me and my siblings.

At the 18 years old I graduated from high school and was offered a scholarship to play volleyball for an NCAA second division school. My major at the time was Law and my minor was radio and television. Four years later I graduated from college and landed a job in television for a national talk show. I have been at this job for four years now and I love it. It has been another successful experience in my life. As far as my friends and co-workers, I never really had a hard time telling them I was adopted. In fact they are jealous that I have such a large family. My Mother and Father have never turned their back on me. They have always here for me whenever I needed them. As far as my brothers and my sisters they are blood to me. I guess you can say I have accomplished a lot since age two. However, I could not do it with the support of my adopted parents and my siblings. If I was not adopted I would not know where I would be today....

GIRL #2 - A charming 24 year old. Currently attending college in the evening and working full time during the day in a well known pre-school chain. Intends to help children by becoming a special education teacher. She is currently living at home. Was in and out of our home on several occasions before she eventually stayed to become adopted. Her question:

How have you been able to emotional overcome the feelings that come from being rejected by your biological family?

GIRL #2's answer:
To be honest I don't know if anyone ever fully gets over being rejected by your biological parents. I mean, they are the people who gave you life and then they decide that they don't want to keep you. I believe that if two people are ready to have sex then they should be ready for the responsibility of taking care of a child. It hurt me very much that my parents rejected me.

It hurt me that my father did not want me, but, not that much. I never really knew him. So, you can't miss what you never knew. I knew my
mother and I loved her. My mother told me when I was ten years old that she did not want me around. Can you imagine a ten year old girl hearing that from her mother? For a while I cried and wondered if there was something that I can do to change and maybe then she would want me around. I soon realized that it wasn't me, it was her. She was not ready to be a parent.

The best thing that my biological parents could have done for me, was to reject me. I have to thank them for that. I was given a chance at a
normal, happy life. I consider the people who adopted me as my real parents. They have always been there through the good times and the bad. That is what parenting is all about, unconditional love.

BOY #3 - A 15 year old young man that is a pleasure to have as a son. He came to our family straight form the hospital a few days after birth. Never left and became adopted a few years thereafter. He is already taller than me and I have no doubt much smarter. While extremely shy, he is overcoming that and I fully expect he will have a bright future. His question:

Do you remember and did you enjoy the many foster kids that came and left our house as you were growing up?

BOY#3's answer:
I remember quite well a lot of the foster kids I grew up with. I remember N---, J---, K---, and L--- very well. They were all close to my age. They were like brothers and sisters to me. I also remember D---, T---, and L--- very well. I have very fond memories of them and I miss them. There were also many other foster children but I don't remember them as well. After mom's stroke we stopped taking in foster kids. I wish we could do it again.

GIRL #3 - A good looking 23 year old young lady. Currently working as a medical assistant in a neighborhood doctor's office. She was in and out of several foster homes including ours before she finally came to stay and be adopted. She shares an apartment with friends within walking distance from us. An extremely independent young lady that is doing quite well. Her question:

When you were young, do you feel that you were unfairly shuffled from home to home as a foster child? If so, how has it affected your life?

GIRL #3's answer:
I do think I was thrown around too much. I never understood, when I was young, why I was put in one place and then another place. It makes a child feel like she never belongs anywhere.

If you are willing to become a foster parent, I feel you have to be 101% ready to open your life to someone who needs to be apart of a family.

BOY #4 - A 12 year old young man. A very popular and caring individual. I have been honored to have the chance to watch him grow and for the fact that he is a part of this family. He was placed with us as a 4 month old foster child, never left and was soon adopted. His question:

Do you tell friends and teachers the fact that you are adopted? What kind of reaction do you get?

BOY #4's answer:
I am not ashamed to tell anyone that I am adopted. If they ask me questions about it I just tell them the truth. Only one person made fun of me because I was adopted. It bothered me a little but I just ignored him. Most people I tell think it is a great thing. I only know one other kid that was adopted and she is proud of it too.

GIRL #4 - A beautiful 20 year old young lady. She currently attends a top college and is doing extremely well. Also works part time for a well known retail store. Has developed strong ties with her biological family as well as her adopted family. Her question then has to be:

In my mind you have been very fortunate to establish relationships with two families. At what age should an adopted child be allowed to discover their biological heritage? Should the adopted parents of an adopted child help that child find their biological parents if the child wants that? Can an adopted child love two families at the same time?

GIRL #4's answer:
I feel that an adopted child has the right to know and be informed of information regarding his/her biological parents. A child should NEVER be deprived of that right, no matter what the circumstances. I feel that the cases under which a child was adopted should be considered though.

If a child was adopted when he/she was a baby, then I think it is the adoptive parent's judgment as to when that particular child is ready to be informed. But I do not think that information should EVER be kept from the child. However, if a child is adopted when he/she is old enough to know that they were taken away from their parents, as is the case with myself, then I think whenever the child is ready, he/she should be able to have contact with his/her biological parents. That right should never be taken away.

If a child questions about his/her biological parents, I think that child has the right to know and that should not be taken away from the child. Many adoptive parents are probably afraid that the child will not be able to handle contact with both sets of parents and it may cause the child to be torn. From my own experience, I know that it is possible to love both sets of parents, as well as families. My biological family hurt me very much but I have tried to move past that and establish some sort of relationship with them. I also maintain a relationship with my adoptive family as well.

For many of you who desire to adopt a child, your first instinct might be to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on a foreign or domestic adoption. While there is nothing wrong with that, there is an alternative. For the cost of a phone call, contact your local "Department of Social Services" or other foster care agency (church, private, etc.) and see what the possibilities are. There are kids out there, many of them good kids, who need loving homes. It probably won't cost you any money and who knows, it might be the start of your "the Greatest Adventure" as it has been for me.

Credits: Dad-of-8 & all 8 of the kids