Gender Identity
Question:
My three-and-a-half-year-old daughter keeps insisting she's a boy. If I argue that she's a girl, she becomes so upset that she bursts into tears. I've asked her what boys can do that girls can't and she says things like, "Boys can climb trees." I point out that girls can too, but that doesn't satisfy her. Is this just a stage? How should I respond?
Answer:
In the preschool years, children are just beginning to discover what gender means. They carefully observe who's a boy, who's a girl, how they dress, what they do and how they are treated. Children's understanding and expectations about gender are influenced more by what they see and experience than what they are told. Actions speak louder than words.
So, rather than just telling your daughter that girls climb trees--or play soccer or fly airplanes or perform surgery--you will need to make sure she sees and experiences these things for herself. This is how both boys and girls learn about all the possibilities that are open to them in today's world. For starters, here are some ways you can begin to broaden your daughter's understanding of what it means to be a girl:
*Seek out books or videos that feature girls and women in strong, active, adventurous roles. Then, since young children love dramatic play, act out some of the stories together, with your daughter in the starring role. This has the added bonus of stimulating your daughter's language, memory and creative expression.
*Join with your daughter in the lively outdoor games and activities she thinks are limited to boys.
*Take your daughter to girls' sporting events. At such a young age she probably has a brief attention span, so check out neighborhood "park and rec" sports. You can attend these events at no charge and the players are only a few years older than your daughter. (Since you live in Minnesota, how about watching a girls' hockey game--a sport that has taken off like wildfire in the last few years, challenging many people's notions of what girls can and can't do!)
*Be mindful of what your daughter sees and hears at home and in the extended family. Try to see through her eyes and imagine the messages she is receiving about the different expectations for males and females. (I remember being at family gatherings in my own childhood and noticing that the women and girls cooked and cleaned while the men and boys talked, laughed and tossed a ball around.)
*If your daughter attends preschool or childcare, try to discover what subtle--or not-so-subtle--messages are conveyed by teachers. For example, are both boys and girls encouraged to engage in vigorous physical play within safe limits? Are they encouraged to explore all the toys and try on different roles in their imaginative play? How do teachers and children respond to rough-and-tumble girls? And how do they respond to boys who choose to read quietly or act out the part of a nurturing daddy in the doll corner?
Certainly there are many natural differences between males and females. But these days wide-ranging opportunities are open to people regardless of gender. Childhood is a time to discover the possibilities, with encouragement and guidance from caring adults at home and beyond.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
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