Taken from Growing Concerns -- A parenting question-and-answer column with Dr. Martha Erickson

Question: We are trying to teach our two preschool children that they must put their toys away when they're done playing. The house looks like a cyclone hit it, and no matter how many times I tell them to pick up the toys, it just doesn't work. Sometimes I lose my cool and yell, which only makes matters worse. What do you suggest?

Answer: Many parents can identify with your despair over the clutter and chaos that are often a part of life with lively preschoolers. You've already figured out that nagging and yelling are ineffective. Maybe thinking about this from a child's point of view will be helpful. In the following letter I've tried to imagine how the situation looks through your children's eyes. I hope these suggestions will help.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I can tell that you're really tired of stepping over the messes I make when I play with all my toys. I don't blame you for getting upset, and I don't mean to be such a bother. Maybe you can help me figure out some ways that I can be a little neater and still have fun with my toys.

Although I'm glad I have lots of toys, sometimes there are so many in one room that I feel confused and don't know where to start. How about if you put some of my toys away in a box in the basement so I don't have so much stuff. Then in a couple of weeks, if I seem bored, you could bring out some of those and put away the others.

When it's time to clean up, it really helps when you get me started--like when you say, "Here, I'll put this truck away while you put those blocks in the can." Sometimes it's even fun to make a game out of cleaning up. I love to have a race to see who can pick up the most puzzle pieces the fastest.

Sometimes when you tell me to put stuff away, I'm right in the middle of something fun and I feel really mad that I have to stop. (You probably feel that way too sometimes when you have to stop something fun and get to work.) Maybe you could tell me "five minutes more" so I have a chance to finish my game. It might even help if you set a timer so I know when time's up. (I'm not so good at understanding time yet, but one of these days I'll learn.)

Mom and Dad, I know it's easy to yell when you get mad (I sure do sometimes!), but when I hear you yell I get even more upset. It helps when you use a quiet voice to tell me that you understand that I'd rather keep playing--and then you stay with me while I start picking up. And it really feels great when you let me know that I'm doing a good job! As I get a little older and you keep working with me, I'll keep learning more and more about how to do jobs on my own. And someday I won't need so much help from you. In the meantime, thanks for being patient and sticking with me.

Love,

Your little cyclone

Editor's note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. You may fax them to (612) 624-6369 or send them to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.