Each year, as a parent, we should be giving up minor amounts of control in our children's life until they are ready for complete independence. Do not confuse control with caring for them, worrying about them, or wanting to be in their life. Those things go on for your lifetime and are a part of being a good parent. But the control part is hard for most of us to give up.

As babies begin to walk, parents carry them less. When they talk for themselves and start to do more themselves, we hand over a bit of control. Our feelings for them have not changed, but we know it is time for them to do these things on their own. We do not thwart their efforts.

With school-age children and older teens, we find it harder to decide when to let go and how much freedom is too much. In most cases, common sense should be your guide. We do not want our kids in danger, and so we control the environment they are in so they are safe. We control who they spend time with for the same reason. Now, with all the school violence, we find out we really have no control of that either. Some parents solved this problem with home schooling or at least not allowing their child to return to certain schools for a period of time. Although understandable, is this the answer?

We, as parents, have little control when we take into consideration all the random crime, hate, and possible accidents. We have some better control of our home and family matters, but still, how much is too much?

With every passing year, I believe a child should gain a responsibility and a privilege. It is not good to just give them a new 'freedom' without also a new responsibility because in life these often go together. They need to be taught how to take on harder projects and chores; they need to realize with maturity comes more reliance by other people on them to do a great job. A new privilege, a bigger allowance, a special gift, or something tangible that says, "You are growing up."

In larger families, where this system is well established, all kids have something to look forward to. They know at certain ages they will be allowed to date, or wear some make-up, or go to the store by themselves, or drive a car, etc. There is less sibling rivalry about these things because they know their turn will also come and they know when.

The problem for parents is that each step moves their child closer to a point where parents feel they won't need them or see their children very often. We must remember this is what we worked toward. The independence you see in your teen should make you proud because it is a reflection on your raising that child in such a way as to give them room to grow. Pat yourself on the back if you have reached this point. The child who received enough love, tolerance, support and generally had all his needs met, will be a loving child who wished to stay part of his family of origin. Of course, once they move away, visits are more infrequent than most parents would like. This new schedule is necessary so kids can forge out an adult life for themselves and parents can rediscover their own lives, interests, and how to make a contribution to society since their last contribution left home. So ease controls and watch your child blossom. When they abuse the control, pull back on freedoms and re-establish the old pattern. Continue until all seems right and your teen leaves you little reason for concern.

Credits: Jo Ann Wentzel