Taken from Growing Concerns -- A childrearing question-and-answer column with Dr. Martha Erickson

Question: Recently my father spanked our two-year-old son when he tipped over a wastebasket after being told not to touch it. My father said he needed to teach him who's boss, but my wife and I have made a commitment not to use spanking with our children and we don't want anyone else to spank them either. I'm not sure how to handle this with my dad. Not leaving our son with my dad seems too extreme, but I'm uneasy questioning my dad's parenting style.

Answer: You're not alone in confronting a generation gap around the issue of spanking. Attitudes about physical punishment have been changing in recent years, especially as research continues to show that other approaches to discipline are more effective in the long-run. I suggest you sit down for a heart-to-heart talk with your dad about the decisions you and your wife have made about how you want to raise your child. Try to engage him as your ally in finding nonviolent ways to help your child develop good self-discipline and respect for his elders.

To do this, begin by letting your dad know how much you appreciate his willingness to take care of his grandson and acknowledge that his love is very important to your son and to you. Tell him you know he shares your long-term goals for your son, even though you disagree on some points about how to reach those goals. Ask him to support and work with you in raising your son the way you and your wife have chosen: without physical punishment.

Sometimes people assume that if you're not going to spank, you're not going to set limits. So reassure your dad that you intend to teach your child right from wrong by setting and enforcing clear limits and imposing consequences when necessary. Using the wastebasket incident as an example, tell your dad how you would handle that kind of behavior without spanking. For example:

· Prevent the behavior. This is especially useful with a young child, who is bubbling over with curiosity and hasn't yet developed much impulse control. It's also wise to move forbidden objects out of reach whenever possible.

· Redirect the child. When a young child starts to do something unacceptable, simply move him firmly and gently in another direction, saying, "That's not OK."

· Suggest an alternative. Offer the child an acceptable toy, saying, "You can play with this instead."

· Remove the child from the situation. If the child persists in doing what he's not supposed to, give him a brief "time out" on a chair away from interesting objects. (At later ages a child may need other kinds of consequences for misbehavior, such as loss of a privilege.)

· Catch him being good. When he follows directions or stops himself from doing what he shouldn't, give him a warm smile and a pat on the back, saying, "I like the way you're following directions."

In the event that your dad is determined to use spanking, you may need to tell him that you and your son will come together to visit him often but that you'll handle the discipline. But hopefully your dad will agree to work with you to figure out the most effective ways to teach your son the positive behaviors and values you both want him to learn.

Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.

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