Grandmother: How to Help With Son's New Child Without Intruding

Taken from: Growing Concerns- A childrearing question-and-answer column with Dr. Martha Erikson

Question: I'm about to become a grandparent for the first time. I'm excited, but also a bit worried about how involved to be. What is your advice on how to help my son and his wife without intruding?

Answer: How wise and thoughtful you are! Just the fact that you are asking the question tells me that you'll probably do just great. In today's high-pressure world, grandparents are more important than ever to grandchildren and their parents. Your support can be the ingredient that tips the balance in favor of health and wellbeing for the whole family.

* First of all, offer your support to the parents, addressing their needs so they can address the needs of their child.

* Be a partner in parenting, taking your cues from the parent and respecting that the parent is in charge. While you certainly can share your wisdom and experience, remember that your son and daughter-in-law will need to find their own way--just as you did when you were a new parent.

* Stay open to new learning. Research is constantly expanding the base of knowledge about what is most effective. For example, research counters the old myth that picking up babies when they cry spoils them. And, despite the longstanding popularity of spanking, research shows that other types of guidance and discipline are more effective in the long run.

* Stay curious; and join your son and his wife in learning all you can.

* Keep things light, remembering your own mistakes and vulnerabilities. There is probably nothing more reassuring to new parents than to hear about the missteps others made and survived.


* Perhaps most important of all, be one of the adults who are crazy about this child! There is nothing any child needs more than to know that he or she is the sparkle in someone's eye.

* Finally, remember that the most powerful teaching anyone can do is by example. In a time when children are desperately in need of adults who will teach them virtue, let your life be that lesson.

The Children, Youth and Family Consortium invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 3 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.

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