Grandparents and Authority

GROWING CONCERNS: A childrearing question-and-answer column with Martha Erickson of the University of Minnesota.

Question:

My mom visits us every few weeks and loves to spend time with our young children. However, lately she's been undermining our efforts to discipline our four-year-old and I'm not sure how to handle it. Our son has a volatile temper and my husband and I are trying to be very consistent in setting limits on his aggressive outbursts and putting him in time out. When we do, my mom intervenes, picks him up and says, "Oh, that's OK honey." How can I get her to stop?

Answer:

This is a tough situation to handle gracefully. Grandparents--especially those who only visit occasionally--often shy away from playing a disciplinary role. They want to keep their relationship with their grandchildren positive, loving and fun. Their instincts often tell them (rightly so) that it is difficult for a young child to accept discipline from someone they don't see regularly and frequently. However, that is not an excuse for a grandparent to undermine a parent's efforts to discipline. It sounds like it's time for a heart-to-heart talk with your mom about how you can work together to provide the love and limits that will help your child learn to regulate his emotions and grow up strong and secure. Here's what I suggest:

*Choose a time when you're not angry or agitated to talk with your mom privately.

*Begin by acknowledging your mom's love, concern and desire to maintain a positive relationship with her grandson. Let her know how much you appreciate her love and support for both you and your child.

*Explain the pattern of behavior that you've been seeing in your son (the recurring temper outbursts and aggressive behavior). Keep in mind that your mom isn't there to see how often this behavior occurs, so she may not understand how important it is for you to deal with it consistently.

*Clarify the approach you and your husband are using to deal with your son's behavior. Explain your goals and your strategy and how it's been working so far.

*Ask your mom to work with you to figure out a plan for how she should respond when your son has an outburst. For example, she might just quietly slip out of the room and leave you to handle his behavior. Then, when your son has his behavior under control, you and your mom could both read him a story or play with him and let him know how much you like to be with him when he's calm.

*Draw on your mom's experience and wisdom to help you figure out ways to anticipate and prevent your son's outbursts. Encourage your mom to help you discover early signs that your son is getting tired or frustrated, or to help identify the situations that seem to set off his temper. Ask your mom to join you in catching your son being good, recognizing his positive behavior with a smile and hug. And ask her what she found to be effective in raising such a successful daughter!

Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.

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