Taken from Growing Concerns -- A childrearing question-and-answer column with Dr. Martha Erickson

Question:
Recently our daughter and her husband moved to a small town, but their 19-year-old son wanted to spend the summer in the city where his friends are. We agreed to let him stay at our house rent-free, but it's turned into a problem. He leaves messes all over the house and comes in at all hours of the night, which disrupts our sleep. Then we can barely drag him out of bed in the morning in time for him to get to his job. He insists that he's too old to have a curfew, but we can't take much more of this. How can we handle this?

Answer:
Since you are allowing your grandson to live with you rent-free, it's reasonable for you to establish some ground rules that will protect your own well-being. If your grandson chooses not to respect your needs and wishes, he can choose to find another place to live (although he's sure to have trouble finding such a good price!). I suggest you set a time right away to sit down and talk with your grandson about what needs to happen for you to feel OK with this living arrangement. For example:

*Tell him you no longer will wake him for work. He thinks he's old enough to come in whenever he likes, so he is certainly old enough to get himself up and to work on time. (If not, the logical consequence probably will be the loss of his job.)

*As for a curfew, let your grandson know that your need is not to control his behavior but to protect your own sleep. Talk with him about a reasonable plan-maybe an earlier curfew on work nights, later hours on weekends, and coming in quietly whatever the deadline.

*Clearly state your expectations about how he will clean up after himself: dishes rinsed and loaded in the dishwasher; towels hung to dry; clothes on hangers in the closet. You do a 19-year-old no favor by enabling him to be irresponsible.

*Beyond keeping his own things in order, he also should be expected to contribute to the household. Are there errands he can run for you? Is there yard work he can do? Meal preparation he can share? These are minimal expectations for any young adult who is accepting the hospitality of family or friends.

*Finally, set a time for a follow-up conversation a few days later to evaluate how things are going for all of you. Meanwhile, let him know you appreciate his efforts to be a respectful, contributing member of your household.

Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.