Hanging Out
Question: Our teenagers (15 and 16) are great and we're delighted they have good friends who have good times. However, they hang out nonstop from late afternoon until late evening at one house or another. (They don't drive yet, so we and other parents drive them.) I have reminded my son that although he and his friends are on summer vacation, parents go to work. Also, when we make meals we want to have our children there. We're getting exhausted. Any ideas?
Answer: It's great that you know--and approve of--where your teenagers are and whom they're with. And the fact you take time to know their friends is an important ingredient for your kids' successful development. But feeling your needs are being squeezed by your children's social life will only breed resentment.
Although your kids are growing quickly, you are still the parents and still in charge. You have a right and a responsibility to set and enforce the house rules, taking into account the demands of your work life and your desire to maintain an organized family life. That said, you will be most effective if you engage your teenagers in working with you to figure out a solution within the bounds of your needs and requirements. Start by letting them know you expect them home for a certain number of meals each week, and be clear that you need them home safely by a certain time each evening (especially on work nights). Explain your reasons clearly and firmly: You are committed to having family meals because that makes for a strong family; the kids need good, affordable nutrition to keep them strong and healthy; and out of consideration for their friends' families, you don't want them hanging out over dinnertime. The kids probably will grumble and call you old-fashioned, but they'll know you care.
Then come up together with a plan that fits your needs. Maybe you'll agree that hanging out is limited to 7 to 10 p.m. Maybe you'll decide that one night a week the kids can skip family dinner and have a cookout or pizza party starting in the afternoon at a friend's house (rotating to a different home each week). Of course, this will work best if you also talk with the other kids and their parents. With kids of any age, it's important for parents to get together on rules and expectations. But with teens it's essential to present a united front.
One final thought about "hanging out." Kids need unstructured time to just be with friends. They need opportunities to use their creativity to figure out what to do without adult direction or externally imposed activities. But too much free time can put teens at risk. Since the kids are spending such long periods of time just hanging out, maybe the teens and parents should think together about opportunities for service or civic involvement. Is there an elderly neighbor who could use help with her house or yard? Is there a vacant lot that could be turned into a garden or play area? Or is there a childcare center that would welcome teens to come in and read to the children at the end of the day? With a little adult coaching, these wonderful teens might put some of those free hours to great use, strengthening their own community, taking their friendships to an even deeper level, and building lifelong skills through service and civic action.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
