In July of 2000 I had a baby boy that I placed for adoption. Since then I have had a very hard time dealing with my loss. I feel that I will never fill the void in my heart, it feels like my heart has been broken to so many pieces that it will never heal. When do I start to feel happy again? Sometimes when I feel that I am happy, I start to feel guilty like I should not be. I guess that I am just very confused. Can you please help me? I would go talk to my counselor but I cannot stand her.
Christina

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Dear Christina,

I would love to be able to say that you will soon be over this and everything will be back to normal, but I can't. Birthmothers never forget their children. They always hold a special place in their hearts for their children.

It may help to try and remember why you made this decision. Birthparents who make adoption plans are fulfilling their parenting responsibilities to make sure their child's long-term needs are met in the best possible way. In order to do this, you put your child's needs above your own. This showed maturity, as well as selflessness.

Adoption is by no means taking the easy way out. It was, I am sure, a difficult decision, and you need to be supported in this decision by those around you. It is natural and normal for you to go through this grieving process.

Birth parents who place children for adoption are sometimes expected to live a lie the rest of their lives. A major problem is birth parents are counseled by family, friends, and social agencies to go on with their lives as if the pregnancy never occurred. None of them has ever been through what you have though, so how can they understand you at all? This socially sanctioned 'denial' interferes with the resolution of grief, and intensifies poor self-image by reinforcing the idea that what you have done is so heinous that it must be concealed forever.

You probably feel there is no one to talk to about this, but there is. There are a number of books, newsletters, magazines, and on-line information sources that concentrate specifically on birth parent issues. These can be especially helpful and comforting if you live in an area where there is no support group.

Best wishes,
Lezli

Lezli Adams
AskBmom
found daughter Julie on 3/18/1999
born 10/10/1968 in Ohio
adopted in Indiana now in Texas
Leave no stone unturned.
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