Insensitivity stinks. I was watching my favorite soap opera, which of course I deny watching regularly, the other day. The scene was between two long time characters, discussing the female's possible maternity of a set of twins. The woman was distraught, and his response was something like "Even if you are these children's parent, you ceased being their mother years ago. So why are you upset?"

Jeez! I wanted to jump in my television screen and slap the man! The fact is that this is the normal belief of many. How absurd is society? What have they been taught? Do they not realize that bonds begin before birth and that they do not simply turn off?

I am a birth mother, one of the oldies who stereotypically was a distraught young woman trying to do what was best, or even worse, some trollop who got caught. Fact is though, I was just a young girl who was unlucky enough to get pregnant during the era of McCarthianism and placed her child for adoption.

Like many birth mothers of that era I was not prepared for the aftermath of relinquishment. So-called professionals told me that I would get over it soon and have more children and put this all behind me. It didn't work that way. My pregnancy was not an illness that would simply be cured and forgotten. It left huge emotional scars. I am not saying it was the same for every birth mother; however, it was/is for many. We try to cope but are constantly belittled by society. I am sure it is hard, given today's sociological views about unwed moms that things were indeed different 'way back when'.

My own children even expressed that they found it hard to believe that anyone had ever 'made' me do anything. Why is the term 'triad' used to describe the birth family, adoptive family and adopted person? A triangle is so cold with its three distinct corners. Why can't the term be a circuitous one of some sort? Two interlocking spheres would look like nice, with a family on each side and the child in the overlap. Perhaps even some sun rays could be added. Why does it have to be so cold and callous with everyone in his or her own notch?

The fact is a child can be loved by many and can in turn love many different people. It does not have to be a power struggle. A child is not a commodity. I help a lot of people reunite. There is often a common thread. The adopted person is afraid to tell his/her parents that they are searching, or have been found. This loyalty, while to be expected I suppose, still baffles me. It is not as though the birth mother has come back to reclaim the baby. These are adults I deal with. A birth mother is no one to fear.

I found my own daughter. I did not do this as intent to reclaim her. Her parents are still her parents; however, I am also still her mother. I have no plan to lure her away, nor do I expect her to change the way she feels about them. Nor do I expect her to embrace me as her mother. That would be unrealistic. I just want to be a special person in her life. I can live with that. Luckily her parents are very kind and wonderful people who have accepted me. I wish it could be that way for more people, but it certainly is not.

If a child's parents are secure in the love they share, there should be no problems. They should not lay a guilt trip on the child, thus thwarting a good reunion. Do they do this because it is expected of them? Has society again prevailed?

© 2003