GROWING CONCERNS: A childrearing question-and-answer column with Martha Erickson of the University of Minnesota.

Question:

Our children are 12 and 14 years old and beginning to get interested in the opposite sex. Everywhere we look, we see bad examples of love and sex--celebrities having babies with no intention of getting married, casual sex being glorified in TV shows, and marriages ending almost before they've begun. We want our children to grow up to make good marriages and to raise their own children in a stable, loving family. How can we begin to overcome these overwhelmingly negative cultural influences?

Answer:

Your concerns are shared by many parents, and you're not asking this question a minute too soon. When children are young, parents have considerable power to limit access to negative TV shows and movies. But as children get older, it is much more difficult to shelter them from these pervasive images, which even saturate news coverage of celebrities' lives. This makes it all the more important that young people have frequent and enduring exposure to positive up-close-and-personal models to counter those negative influences. What children see and learn in their own family and community does indeed carry a lot of weight in influencing their attitudes and behaviors. Here are some ways you can encourage your children to carry forward the values you hold about marriage and family:

*Your own marriage is a major influence in your children's lives. Your kids will want to emulate you if they see your relationship as one of mutual respect, shared interests, and a sense of fun and romance. There are plenty of idealized images of romance in movies and TV; what young people need is a chance to witness deeper, long-term rewards of a committed relationship, in which you relish the good times and work through the hard times. Don't be shy about letting your kids see you share a tender kiss (even though they may say, "Oh gross!"). And don't hide the fact that you sometimes disagree--as long as you can model good conflict resolution skills in working through your differences.

*Look for opportunities to engage in fun activities with other families, especially seeking out other couples who have strong marriages. Bowling, skating, or board games are activities all ages enjoy. Or join other families in volunteering for a charity of your choice.

*Help your children get involved in positive activities with mixed-gender groups of peers. Many communities of faith offer recreational activities or service projects for boys and girls together--great opportunities to learn to form meaningful friendships.

*Make time to talk with your kids about relationships and values. Be clear and explicit about your own values, and encourage your children to think about their own. As they get older, ask them what they look for in a relationship. What qualities do they admire? What kind of person brings out the best in them? What is hard for them to deal with in a relationship? Don't interrogate, but create a comfortable environment of trust and openness.

*Be a sounding board for your children to discuss and practice relationship skills. Help them learn how to strike a healthy balance between holding to their own values and seeing another's point of view. Especially around issues of peer pressure, teens often benefit from opportunities to practice what to say when they're in a tough situation.

When your children are older and become involved in serious relationships, encourage them to participate in marriage preparation classes or premarital counseling; many clergy now include this as a requirement for marriage in the church or synagogue. By identifying the strengths and challenges in their relationship from the onset, and by learning some of the skills that have helped other marriages succeed, a couple can increase their chances for a strong, lasting relationship--despite the cultural forces that run counter to such commitment.

Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.

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