Taken from Growing Concerns -- A childrearing question-and-answer column with Dr. Martha Erickson

Question: Our 2-year-old is becoming really selfish and demanding. Especially when it involves food, he wants what he wants when he wants it. For example, if we tell him he can't have a doughnut for dinner, he throws food on the floor or even at us. How should we handle this?

Answer: Two-year-olds are indeed selfish, although that does not mean they will grow up to be self-centered. At this age, your son is just beginning to discover that he's not the center of the universe, and he doesn't like it one bit. Like other 2-year-olds, he hasn't yet developed patience or the ability to control his impulses. Nor has he learned social rules or how to balance his wishes with the needs and wishes of others. So when he can't have what he wants right now, he expresses his frustration with abandon. Your job at this stage of your son's development is to help him learn what is acceptable, knowing that it will happen slowly and gradually. Your son will learn best if you can deal with his behavior calmly and consistently.

Be clear and firm about the limits you set. For example, if your rule is no doughnuts for dinner, simply say "no doughnuts" and don't be swayed by his tantrum. (Of course it might be easier to keep the doughnuts out of sight in the first place! It's awfully hard for a 2-year-old to see something so appetizing and be told that he can't have it.) When he throws food, firmly and calmly tell him, "Food is for eating, not throwing." Then remove the food from his tray until he's ready to eat nicely. The first couple of times you do this he may fuss or scream, but over time he'll come to understand that you have clear expectations about mealtime behavior. Consistency is the key.

Offer a substitute. This is a basic rule of parenting: When you deny a child something or stop an unacceptable behavior, redirecting their attention to an acceptable alternative.

Keep your cool. Be careful not to respond to his tantrums with anger. A calm but firm response is much more effective in helping him settle down, and your anger will only escalate his frustration.

Catch him being good. When he's sitting calmly in his high chair, tell him that you like the way he's eating so nicely. As he gets older and learns to say "I'm mad," instead of throwing food on the floor, tell him you're glad he's using words to tell you. Young children often are bombarded with messages about what they can't do, so it's important to recognize when they do the right thing.

Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.

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