Helping Children Adjust to Divorce
If you are divorcing, it is very important to keep the best interests of the child in mind, because they will be distressed by the situation. For one thing, the children still will need both parents, unless one parent has problems that place the child in danger. The following ideas may help you reduce the negative consequences of divorce for your children.
Help your children share and deal with their feelings. Let your child express feelings about the divorce. He or she may shout and throw tantrums, but that's normal. Parents should not deny or belittle these feelings, or the children won't have the opportunity to work through them. Children need time to grieve at losing some of the "connectedness" of their family, and you will need patience as they adjust.
The children will need reassurance. Parents need to take time to help their children work through the following ideas and concerns.
It's not the children's fault that their parents are getting a divorce. They could not have prevented it. There is nothing they can do to change the situation.
The parents still love their children and will be involved in their lives.
The children's lives will change after a divorce. Discuss what those changes will be.
Divorce does not mean children have to choose between parents. Living arrangements should be discussed, so the children know they will spend time with both parents.
Children don't have to take sides when parents disagree. The conflict is between the parents.
The children may be upset, sad or depressed sometimes, but they need to know that their parents will be there to listen and help them deal with their feelings.
The children may be embarrassed by the divorce. They need to understand that it's okay to tell their friends about the divorce. It's not a secret, and they are not bad for talking about it.
The rules may be different when with each parent, but the children should understand what the basic rules are for each home.
Beyond these concerns, it is important to maintain good parenting. Your children need all your love and nurture, as well as consistent, positive discipline. Resist becoming so self-absorbed in your emotions that you neglect or mistreat your children or make excessive demands of them. You may benefit from taking a parenting class tailored for divorced parents.
Maintain a stable routine. Children, especially younger ones, need a predictable routine. Keep your day-to-day work and home life going. Celebrate all birthdays, outings or special events involving your children. Keep changes to a minimum - if possible, keep children in the same home, school and neighborhood.
Manage the conflicts between you and your former spouse. Parent conflict can devastate children. Get the skills necessary to work out your disagreements in ways that will benefit your children. Taking a class to learn conflict management skills may help.
Help children maintain positive relationships with both parents. Children need stable, loving relationships with both parents. Shared custody is best for children when all parents are willing to work hard and cooperate. Both of you should be responsible for raising the children. This ideal should be pursued if a parent's problems do not endanger the child.
Develop a support network of family, friends and community resources. These can provide emotional and practical help for children during divorce and afterwards. Grandparents can play an especially important role. Religious organizations can help. Quality child care centers and schools can provide a nurturing, structured, predictable environment for children.
Reference: Duncan, Stephen F., Ph.D., Montana State University Extension Service. Reprinted by permission.
