Helping Children Through Divorce
Question:
My wife and I are getting a divorce and I'm very worried about how it will affect our children, who are 4, 6 and 10. We both want what's best for the kids, but it's hard to know what that is. (Don't suggest marriage counseling because we both agree that our decision is final.)
Answer:
For children, the break-up of their parents' marriage is stressful and confusing -- before, during, and often for many years after. But your question tells me that you and your family have two important things going for you. First of all, you are able to look beyond your own needs and ask what will be best for your children. And second, despite the difficulty in your relationship with your wife, you acknowledge that she also wants the best for your children. With that as a starting point, here are some ways to support your children through this major life change.
Children do best after divorce when they maintain close relationships with both parents and the parents present a united front in their interactions with the children. This means you and your wife will need to support each other's roles in your children's lives, come to agreement on rules and discipline, and avoid arguing or complaining about each other in front of the children.
Consider using a professional mediator to help you and your wife work out the details of custody, visitation, and important principles and logistics of sharing the care of your children. Too often children are treated as property within an adversarial court hearing, which only compounds the pain of the divorce itself. But working with a mediator can help ensure that you and your wife keep your focus on the best interests of your children.
As much as possible, support your children's feelings of stabilit and security by enabling them to continue with the same schools, babysitters, friends, and familiar activities.
Give your children an opportunity to work through their feelings about the divorce with a psychologist, family therapist or a support group through school or church. Even if the children are not showing visible negative effects of the divorce right now, a therapist can help them understand what's happening, form realistic expectations about the future, and know that they are still the focus of your love and concern.
Understand that your children will perceive your divorce differently at different ages and at different points in the process. For example, children sometimes feel that they are to blame for the divorce, that if only they had been "good enough" you would have stayed together. Children also often harbor fantasies about bringing mom and dad back together. A parent's remarriage may destroy that fantasy and trigger a flood of anger, sadness, and loss -- even years after the divorce. Stay alert to the changing needs and feelings that emerge as your children move though different stages of development. Listen to them and acknowledge their feelings. With your support they can continue to grow strong and healthy despite this sad and difficult event in their lives and yours.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
