Over one million children annually experience divorce. Yet it is doubtful that even 5% of them receive professional counseling or support during this time. This is in spite of the fact that for most children a divorce is the greatest trauma they've experienced in their young lives. Usually, well meaning parents hold a one-time meeting to tell the child that mom and dad are not going to live together anymore. Vague explanations are given, and the children are asked if they have any questions.

Mom and Dad are in pain, they may be crying or angry at each other, and suddenly the bomb is dropped. Even in families with longstanding conflict, most children experience the news of divorce as abrupt, a shock to their system. They usually have been fairly successful in their magical, wishful thinking that somehow Mom and Dad will stop fighting and everything will be OK.

Children may ask a few specific questions at the beginning, but most are too numb to even know what they are feeling, much less think clearly. So at this point, Mom and Dad often feel uneasy and the conversation ends before it ever really began.

Children need much, much more support than this to successfully weather the divorce experience. Recent research shows that most children are unfortunately not coping as well as we would have predicted with their parents divorce. Depression, anxiety, anger, school and social difficulties, withdrawal and impaired ability to trust and form lasting interpersonal bonds are some of the problems we are seeing.

Children can benefit greatly from professional support offered as soon as possible after Mom and Dad decide to divorce. Why professional? During a divorce, the best of parents may be overwhelmed by their own needs. It may feel as though less time is now available in the day, new financial worries may be present, and an internal grieving process is taking place. Additionally, we don't expect parents to handle medical or academic problems without professional input, why should our children's emotional needs be any different?

When I meet with divorcing families, the parents are often amazed at what the children have to say. Recently a little boy told me he knew of no other children whose parents were divorcing - the mother was shocked because she knew of several other families and couldn't understand her son forgetting about them. This is not unusual - the world of a child is very self-centered and without the perspective we adults take for granted. One of the benefits of divorce counseling is to widen this perspective and correct the inevitable distortions present in the child's mind.

Usually short-term support suffices, and an especially good arrangement is for children and parents to meet time or two with a counselor and then have the child join with other children in the same age group for small group meetings. This greatly normalizes the divorce, decreased the child's sense of isolation and denial and fosters open communication. Plus, kids have more fun this way, and it's important that counseling isn't super serious.

Other issues addressed in divorce counseling for kids include their universal sense of responsibility, their wishful thinking about Mom and Dad reuniting, and their lost sense of security. Many children may have parents who are already involved with another partner and children need a neutral place they can share their feelings about this and their divided loyalties. Also, it is important for children to have a safe place to vent their anger rather than acting it out at home.