Over one million children annually experience divorce. For teenagers this comes at a time when they are already likely to be overwhelmed with the transitions of adolescence. How can you help them cope during this difficult time?

It is important to remember that a teen's fundamental attitudes about marriage and about themselves can be forever changed by divorce and the events that happen in the years afterwards. These events can permanently shape their developing characters and personalities. Of course, legally divorce is one event, but psychologically it is a chain of events - of shifting relationships, schedules and responsibilities. Often it also involves the literal shifting of a household from one location to another.

A teen needs a great deal of support even though they may protest that they are self-sufficient and independent. A major developmental task of adolescence is the successful detaching from the family and the creation of a healthy generational boundary. If divorce occurs during the time that this detachment is beginning, the developmental skids may be put on. That is, the teen may abruptly shift away from his or her normal adolescent rebellion and instead take on the role of a second parent in the fragmented family. Often, because the parent is overwhelmed themselves, this goes unnoticed or is even unconsciously encouraged.

But in taking over a parent's tasks, the major issues of adolescence are left unresolved. The teenager stops fantasizing about her own future and family and instead worries about Mom and Dad and their emotional distress. When the parents later begin dating, the teen may spend more emotional energy thinking about this new person rather than their own potential dating partner.

The teen needs help understanding the divorce so they can get on with their own lives. While younger children often regard divorce as a serious mistake, by adolescence most feel their parents never should have married. They need support in accurately perceiving the reasons for the divorce, seeing the marriage in a total context of both good and bad, and being able to draw useful lessons from this experience for their own lives.

Teens may be terrified that they will repeat their parents' marital failure. They wonder if they are capable of sustaining a marriage themselves. Seeing the vulnerability of their parents heightens the normal anxieties of adolescence. They may react by spending more time away from home and may feel angry and abandoned. They risk moving prematurely into sexual activity.

Long-term studies of the effects of divorce on children are just becoming available. So far it appears that there may be a pattern of underachievement, low self-esteem and inhibition of anger related to feelings of rejection in children of divorce. One study which looked at children fifteen years after they experienced divorce noted a high incidence of alcoholism. Twenty percent of the children in this study were drinking heavily, even though one third of these came from homes in which neither parent nor stepparents ever abused alcohol.

Although divorce is always a difficult transition, the attitude of parents can greatly influence how capably teenagers cope. Parental support is crucial in preparing the teenager, who is dependent on the adult to help them realistically understand what is happening in the family. The teen needs to be able to mourn the losses, freely express feelings, and ask any questions.

Parents need to take seriously what they say to their adolescents and not assume they are old enough to handle it or not interested in details. If possible, both parents together should talk with the children, both as a group and also individually when there is a wide age difference between siblings. Teens need to know ahead of time when a parent is moving out of the house. They also need a clear explanation of the process of divorce, which for an adolescent can include some information about the legal process and how decisions are made. Details of infidelity or sexual incompatibility need not be divulged.

Parents can present the divorce as a final solution to problems that did not improve after exploring a range of options. Parents also need to prepare the teen for what lies ahead and convey that they are genuinely interested in the adolescent's input. While not being made to feel responsible, the teen does need to feel they are participating in contributing to the process of recovering from the divorce.

Finally, the teen needs to be given permission to love both parents and not choose sides. They must not be burdened with having to align with one parent's anger against the other. And as soon as possible, the teen needs to get on with their own lives, to resume their normal adolescent activities, and to get back to being preoccupied with typical teenager concerns.