Taken from Growing Concerns -- A childrearing question-and-answer column with Dr. Martha Erickson.

Question:
Every year we get so excited about our family Christmas, but somehow when it actually happens it never quite lives up to our expectations. The turkey burns, I can't find time to bake holiday cookies, there's a part missing from the new toy or the kids get into their usual squabbles. Any tips for how to bring reality more in line with our ideal?

Answer:
I wonder how many parents are saying, "Wow, I could have written that question!" As my own daughter pointed out eloquently (and embarrassingly for me) in an essay for her high school English class, our family actually made a tradition out of unmet expectations. Each year we would talk about the wonderful tree-decorating ceremony we were going to have--everyone at home together with a roaring fire in the fireplace, hot cider in big ceramic mugs and our favorite Christmas tunes playing in the background as we decorated our perfect tree. But each year something would disrupt our perfect plans--dad would get hung up at the office, we couldn't find last year's tree stand and by the time everything was set, it would be time for big brother to leave to pick up his date. Each year it seemed that my daughter and I would end up hanging the ornaments while we grumbled about our failed plans.

Rather than trying to make reality more like our holiday ideal, we might do better to make our ideal more like reality. Without sacrificing the spirit of the season, we might lower our expectations about some of the trappings of the holiday. One way to do this is by simplifying our plans. Cut through some of the busyness and clear the way for more relaxing time to be together and focus on the real message of the season. For example, instead of worrying about the cookies you never baked, you might take your kids to the bakery and let them pick out an assortment of their favorites.

To reduce those feelings of disappointment, we also need to keep a sense of humor about the things that don't go quite right. For example, at our house we now have some great laughs looking back at photos of our tree-decorating fiascoes. And nowadays, however that tree gets decorated, we each try to ooh and aah over its beauty when it's done.

Another strategy is to break out of the mold of the usual holiday activities and try something spontaneous and unusual. We might go outside and have a snowman-building contest or go sliding in the park. We might rent one of the classic holiday movies and just snuggle up in our pajamas while we watch it together. The idea is that there are no set rules about how holidays have to be, and by lightening up a bit we're probably more likely to discover the true joy of the season.

Finally, and most importantly, we need to remind ourselves to "love the ones we're with," to paraphrase a favorite old song. Whatever the state of our holiday plans and festivities, we need to find the peace and joy in the moment, just as it is. Despite burnt dinners, broken toys and the squabbles that are a part of life with children, embrace the day and those who share it with you.

Editor's note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. You may fax them to (612) 624-6369 or send them to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.