How Discipline is Different in a Stepfamily

There are loyalty conflicts. The children are yours, or mine rather than ours.

There is fear of rejection. Usually, biological parents can discipline without fear of rejection. Their relationship is not at stake. But most stepparents are nervous about the fragile bond with a stepchild, and this is realistic.

There is often guilt on the part of the biological parent. This shows up in indecisiveness or laxness or retreat. The biological parent feels bad about putting the child through a divorce and a remarriage and it shows.

Discipline can become a way for divorced parents to continue expressing hostility with an ex-spouse. The children may be angry to begin with. They did not choose to have a stepparent.

They may not have a personality or interests that match the stepparent. The stepparent chooses a spouse. The children were part of the package. The stepparent may - even though it can feel wrong - not like the children.

In biological families, rules and methods of discipline evolve over time. It's much harder when remarriage demands instant rules. Different households may have very different sets of rules. Stepchildren over about 4 or 5 are likely to resent discipline by new adults no matter how fair.

Stepparents, trying to please both their new spouse, and their children, send mixed messages. Counselors unfamiliar with stepfamilies may add to stress by recommending disciplining children the same as in a biofamily.