SETTING THE STAGE: HELPING CHILDREN LEARN TO EXPRESS FEELINGS SO THAT THEY CAN TALK ABOUT ADOPTION

QUESTION: Frequently I ask my preschool child about his adoption, but he never seems to have any questions or have the need to talk about his personal history. Is this all right or should I be doing more?

ANSWER: In order to help our children discuss their questions, thoughts, and feelings about having been adopted into the family, it is important that we familiarize ourselves with how, developmentally, children understand adoption and that we build effective family communication skills so that our children CAN tell us what is on their minds and in their hearts. Age six to seven (although this varies from child to child) is a big turning point in how children view adoption and their personal history, so I'd like to begin by telling you what children understand before and then after this age, typically.

The preschool age is a fascinating and fun time in adoptive families because parents love to tell the story of how their child joined the family and the preschoolers love that! Children of this age are egocentric and so they LOVE their adoption story. They are open to hearing the details again and again and capable of taking in new pieces of their story little by little. They are fascinated by facts and stories about the land of their birth. They are proud to be members of their family and happily share with others all about how they became members of their family.

They love to hear parents tell them of how special they are to have been adopted.

A wonderful way to begin to introduce more of his story to your child is to make a lifebook. A lifebook is similar to a traditional baby book, but instead of beginning with the child's entrance into your family, it begins from the beginning, with his birth parents. It tells, in an age appropriate way, how and why his birth parents may have become pregnant, struggled with what to do, and made the decision to make an adoption plan. It goes on to tell what happened from the time the child was separated from his birth mother until he came home. It might include information about what was going on in the child's country-of-origin that might have caused his birth parents to have some of the problems that they had. It might tell of how sad and difficult it is for birth parents to make an adoption plan and how they worry and wonder forever after about their child. The book might include a letter from you to your child's birth parents.

A lifebook is also a tool for the child to retell his story to you. You might label pages and ask your child to draw pictures, write some of the text, and write a letter to his birth mother. In that way, parents can get an idea of what their child understands from they story they have told and what he still needs to hear again. The lifebook, if it is constructed with removable pages, can be a work in progress throughout your child's lifetime. As your child is ready for more information or his cognitive ability grows, the pages can be reworked with more sophisticated language and more detailed information. This is a great project to begin with a preschool child. If parents wait beyond these years, they are likely to find that their child will not be willing to work on a lifebook.

Let's look now at where your child is likely to be at age six to seven. At about this age, a child's cognitive ability will take him beyond the concrete, to think beyond the information and opinions that his parents have shared with him regarding how they feel about adoption and having brought him into their family. He is having more and more contact with the outside world and is becoming increasingly aware of the negative misconceptions our society has about adoption, racism, and the intrusiveness of strangers with adoptive families, as well as his parent's pride in having adopted him into the family. The six or seven year old continues to be interested in what his parents have to say, but is more and more drawn to the opinions of his peers. He no longer shares all that he thinks, feels, or knows with his parents, preferring to keep secret some of his inner thoughts. He is likely to keep what he is confused, sad, or embarrassed about to himself. If parents are going to get beyond the facade of "I don't EVER think about adoption" they are going to have to learn to tune-in to their child's round-about way of sending clues and also his behavioral clues that will signal that he is thinking about adoption and how it pertains to him.

The six to seven year-old, for the first time, is really able to understand that adoption involved a loss as well as a gain. He is able to think about, wonder about and have intense feelings about the birth parents who made an adoption decision for him. His feelings range from sad to angry and he may engage in lots of fantasy about who they were, what they were like, and why they couldn't "keep him." For the first time, he is having to respond to questions regarding why he was adopted with his peers-- without the help of his parents or another adult, as these types of questions usually are asked at the bus stop, in the cafeteria, or on the playground when adults are scarce. Often, it is an older child who is asking these questions. When he behaves in ways that get him into trouble with his parents, he may worry that they, too, will decide not to keep him, for he couldn't possibly understand enough about adult problems that would lead a set of birth parents to make an adoption plan. Fearful even of hinting about this, he worries in silence. Still having a short attention span, he does not dwell on adoption questions and feelings, but jumps from these concerns of the moment to what he is going to have for a snack, who is having the next birthday party, and who he is going to play with this afternoon. If parents are going to get beyond the facade of "I don't EVER think about adoption and I don't have ANY questions" they are going to have to learn to tune-in to their child's round-about way of sending clues and also his behavioral clues that will signal that he is thinking about adoption and how it pertains to him. For example, a child who sobs and sobs over a kitten who is spending her first night away from Momma Cat may really be just sad for the kitten, but is more likely to be thinking a bit about how it might have been for her to spend her first night away from her birth mother. A child whose behavior changes quite suddenly and is continually getting into trouble at school may be thinking that he was such a "bad" baby that even his "own" (this is the term others, outside the family use-- and children know it and are confused by it) birth parents "didn't want him." He may be so fearful that you, too, will not want him that he is testing this out. Another child may be, all of a sudden, daydreaming all the time and not able to focus in on her schoolwork.

Wise parents consider where their child will be a few years ahead of time, and parent their child accordingly. How DO parents of preschool children prepare themselves and their child for the stage ahead, when adoption will be more than the joyous way that they became part of their forever family? ARE there things that parents can do to make sure that their child knows how to communicate what they are thinking, feeling, and wondering about?

One of the most valuable keys to effective parenting and to helping children talk openly about adoption is to help them learn to recognize and express their feelings at an early age. Most parents, if asked, believe that they do this, but in reality, few of us know how to communicate about our own feelings or how to help and encourage others to talk about theirs. Instead, we listen the intent of responding. We use lots of "buts" in our conversation or respond by saying what we think. We try to tell the other how to change what they are feeling. We are judgmental i.e. "You shouldn't feel that way. You aren't thinking correctly about this." One boy told me that he feels like he is a comma in the middle of his father's sentences. His dad listens without listening and then goes right on with what he was intending to say. This is an area that we all need to fine-tune.

Reflective listening is a particular type of listening whereby one listens carefully to the words and tone of voice and watches the body language of another to try to understand how that other person is feeling, regardless of the words that are actually spoken. The listener mirrors the possible feeling to the other person in the form of a tentative guess at how that person is feeling. This gives the other the opportunity to recognize and tell how he is feeling about the topic of conversation. It is NOT telling the other that you KNOW how he feels. It is NOT questioning the other about how he feels.

For example, one day one of my children came home with a huge scowl, stomped around the kitchen, and criticized his younger brother non-stop. "You seem to be really angry about something," I said. "I am NOT!" he stormed, but I noticed that he settled down a bit. "Gosh, I'm surprised. You just seem to be upset or sad," I said. Later, I intervened when he and his sister got into their millionth argument. "You don't even care what happens to me!" he shouted. "It seems like I don't notice what is going on with you" I mirrored. "Yeah, you don't even care that everybody else got invited to Billy's party except me!" he wailed. "I'm guessing that you are really hurt and angry about that. Tell me more about it," I said.

I did NOT attempt to talk him out of his feelings, but listened and empathized. In this way, I knew that he would get the feelings on the outside so that they would no longer have the power to hurt him and he could begin to change them himself. No one appreciates or feels understood when they share their feelings with someone who dismisses them, doesn't accept them, as is, and fails to acknowledge them. Neither do others feel understood when another says, "I understand exactly how you feel." Listening in a way that says "I am trying to figure out how you are feeling-correct me if I guess wrong" feel understood, accepted and cared about. This is important because all too often, adoptive parents want to apply an emotional band-aid when their child is struggling with feelings related to adoption or feeling different.

In this situation that I've described, my son spent several minutes crying and talking about how left-out he felt and how hard it is to feel different and rejected by his friends. Only then was he ready to problem-solve ways to cope. It was my availability to listen, verbalizing possible feelings so that he could connect how he was feeling inside with the words to communicate those inner feelings without trying to force him to confide in me before HE was ready to that helped him to vent, so that he could move on to something else. That skill is what we name Reflective Listening and it is a learned skill, no parent or adult is born with this ability. It is learned and it takes practice to perfect it.

Parents who are most successful at helping their children communicate with them about how they think and feel regarding having been adopted are those who listen for feelings and those who themselves communicate about their own feelings. We set the stage for children to talk with us about adoption all along the pathway of their childhood, adolescence, and communicating about both positive and negative feelings, and enable our children to express their feelings in a non-judgmental way when we start early. How early? I encourage families to practically stand over their child's crib and begin to talk about feelings! Why? Although babies are, of course, too young to tell us how they feel, WE need the practice. Getting tuned-in to our own feelings will help us to be more attuned and ready to respond to others' feelings.

Even if your child is way past the baby and toddler stage, it is never too late! We can all learn to communicate more effectively and our efforts will pay off. Parents who learn and practice these skills, even when their children are in their teens still find that it encourages their child to ask questions more freely, discuss any concerns they have more easily, and talk about adoption at least a little more openly. It takes patience and perseverance though to enable a child who has never seemed to want to discuss adoption to begin to share what he is thinking. For more help to learn about reflective listening, there are several excellent books available. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, Double-Dip Feelings: Stories to Help Children Understand Emotions by Barbara S. Cain, and S.T.E.P. Systematic Training for Effective Parenting are three excellent resource books. For further information about how and when children understand (developmentally) adoption a wonderful book to read is Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky and Marshall Schecter.

Copyright c 200_, by Jane A. Brown, M.S.W. All rights reserved. This article may not be reproduced and/or distributed, part or in whole, electronically or otherwise without written permission of the author.

© Copyright c 200_, by Jane A. Brown, M.S.W. All rights reserved. This article may not be reproduced and/or distributed, part or in whole, electronically or otherwise without written permission of the author.