Identifying, Understanding and Helping Your Child With Adoption Issues During Middle-Childhood - Par

This is the first in a series of articles focusing on adoption related issues during middle-childhood. I will begin by giving the reader an overview of basic child development during the middle-childhood years and then add the layer of adoption. Specific parenting techniques that offer support and guidance will also be included.

As vigilant, thoughtful parents, we attempt to understand our children by carefully observing their behavior and listening to what they say. Can you identify with any or all of the feelings and concerns expressed by the adoptive parents quoted below?

"Why is Mark having trouble focusing in school? Is he just 'being a boy,' looking out the window of his classroom and dreaming about baseball practice?"

"Marsha can't even be happy at Baskin Robbins. It doesn't seem to matter if she talks me into a double scoop, waffle cone with three toppings-it's just never good enough. After waiting so long for a child, have we overindulged her and created a spoiled brat, or does she feel empty inside due to the losses she has experienced?"

"When Alice gets over-tired and is frustrated by her homework, or a chore, or any number of other little challenges, she is quickly overwhelmed and begins to shout that this is not her real family and that she wants to go home. Do these outbursts represent longings for her birthmother or a mechanism which pushes our buttons?"

"Michael can't fall asleep at night unless someone lays down with him. Does being adopted make him especially vulnerable?"

"Carl has so many fears . . . going in a plane, on a boat, there's even a room in our house that he is afraid to be in. Are other kids, kids that aren't adopted, afraid of so many things?"

"What does it mean?" "What should we do?" And the seemingly universal question asked by adoptive families, "Is this an adoption issue?" The simple answer to these questions is, "there isn't a simple answer." In other words, "yes and no," "sometimes and sometimes not," and the ever-popular, "well, perhaps."

The "yes-sometimes-perhaps" part is this-certainly, adopted children and their families are especially sensitive to some issues and may struggle more when faced with certain situations. On the other hand, who among us doesn't have special sensitivities?

Each of us has certain sensitivities, areas in our lives that cause us to worry and wonder, and situations in which we feel less comfortable or successful. I guess the bottom line is that each one of us is --- just --- plain --- human. Recognizing our humanness helps us calm down and provides a warm, accepting model for our children.

Theories of child development are another tool parents and professionals use to under-stand the child. With a basic understanding of how the typical child grows and develops, parents are better able to recognize when the child may be a little off course, and therefore can be available to provide what the child needs.

Armed with this information, parents can not only prepare themselves for what is ahead at the next developmental level, but also make some sense of the behaviors the child is presently displaying. We can calm ourselves when our seven-year-old continues to be afraid of monsters in the closet or recognize when our family might need a little extra help from a professional. Knowing the course, while understanding individual differences, helps everyone.

In my next article I will focus on normal child development and adoption issues during middle-childhood. Case examples will be included.