[I wrote this just a few days after I spoke with my birth mother over the phone for the first time. We have since grown into an incredible, loving relationship. We will see each other for the first time in August of 2001!]

If only she knew how much I need her
To hold me and share with me her voice of approval.

If only she knew the connection that I feel to her
The way that my heart pounds when I simply think of her.

If only she knew how badly I need to see her
To understand where this body that I call my own came from.

If only she knew how much I care for her
How I pray every night that this life is treating her ever so special.

If only she knew that I think of her often
Not just on birthdays and holidays, but all of the days that follow.

If only she knew how much I need to hear from her
For her to tell me that she cares for me more than just a passing stranger.

If only she knew the emptiness that I feel when I think of her
Does she think of me or even remember that I am walking this very same earth with her.

If only she knew how badly I need her acknowledgment
Just once, how I long for her to choose me above any other.

If only she knew that my heart aches when I am not near her
Of course I live on, but I would much rather do so alongside her.

If only she knew how much I love her
Sure I have never met her, but my heart is telling me different.

If only she knew that I am eternally grateful
For her unselfish decision to give me to such an incredible set of parents.

If only she knew that now more than ever
I need her to hug me and tell me that she thinks of me.

If only she knew how complicated this world seems right now
I just need for her to tell me that everything will be better.

If only she knew how much I miss her
I long for a day that this numbness will vanish into thin air.

Will such a day ever come?
More than anything, I wish I knew. For I would embrace it and my mother as if we had been together forever.

© 2001