Taken from Growing Concerns -- A childrearing question-and-answer column with Dr. Martha Erickson

Question: We have forbidden our 12-year-old daughter to wear some of the popular but overly sexy clothes (for example, extremely low hip-hugger pants and bare midriff or very low-cut tops). But we just found out that she and two of her friends have been sneaking around and changing clothes after they leave home, putting on tons of make-up and wearing really inappropriate outfits. I am so mad that I feel like grounding her for the rest of the year, but I also know that over-reacting only makes matters worse. What is the best way to handle this?

Answer: More than anything, this is an issue of trust. By going behind your back and violating the rules you've set, your daughter has lost some of your trust. So I suggest you begin by talking with her about the importance of trust, letting her know that she now needs to regain your confidence so that you can gradually let her have more independence, knowing she will make good decisions.

Then, calmly and clearly, state your rules about what she can and cannot wear, briefly and simply explain the reasons and values behind your rules, and tell her what the consequences will be if she breaks those rules again. (Keeping in mind that it's important for kids this age to look good in front of their peers, be sure to point out the kinds of in-style clothes that are acceptable, not only the items that are forbidden.)

In the face of intense peer pressure and aggressive marketing of provocative clothing for young girls, it can be hard for parents to hold the line on rules about dress. But there's strength in numbers, so talk to teachers or administrators at your daughter's school about the school's rules and guidelines about appropriate dress. If the school doesn't have a clear policy, advocate for having the students and adults join together to develop one. (When young people are given voice in these kinds of decisions, they often make more conservative choices than you would imagine.) Most important, connect with parents of your daughter's friends (especially the two who were involved in the clothes change). It's much easier for both kids and parents when there are some consistent and reasonable community standards about clothes and behavior.

Finally, make sure to notice the times when your daughter is responsible, cooperative and trustworthy. Young teenagers often test the limits and act like they want parents to get out of their way. But they flourish when parents provide love and limits, encouraging them to be the best they can be.

Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 3 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.

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