Parent Library

Enjoying the company of friends is not merely one of the good things of life. Contemporary research indicates that the failure to acquire friendship-making skills during the early years is associated with a variety of social difficulties in adolescence and adulthood. Furthermore, research shows that having friendships contributes to the capacity to cope with the inevitable crises that arise throughout life. It appears that the ground work for the ability to make and sustain friendships is laid very early in life.

Although the ability to make friends seems to come naturally to most children, not all of them learn to do so without help. A close look at peer interaction in the early years shows that it involves many complex skills that take time and practice to learn and experience to polish.

Playing with others requires essential social skills such as initiating contact with unfamiliar peers, negotiating who will play what role, who will take the lead, whose turn it is, for example, to hold the doll or be the driver. Peer play frequently calls upon the need to be assertive about one's rights and possessions, the need to back down in a dispute, the capacity to handle being rebuffed, and many other social competencies. Given the importance of successful peer play and its complexity, it is not surprising that early on most children benefit from the support, suggestions, and supervision of adults.

Family Matters

It is a good idea to remember that children's peer interactive styles are, in large part, modeled upon what they have observed at home. Even young children pick up on such basic qualities as warmth and hostility, trust and mistrust, friendliness, and give-and-take.

Children can also be helped when they are encouraged to ponder the behavior of other children. Instead of simply letting a child describe another as "mean" or "weird," encourage her to think of other interpretations of the events that led to her use of those adjectives. The strategy should ultimately lead to the child's becoming more tolerant, more accepting of and open to others and to their points of view.
Learning To Negotiate

When difficulties arise in your child's friendships, resist the temptation to interfere too quickly. It is known that friends squabble more that non-friends, and renegotiating the relationship following the squabble is a very important skill to develop. When your child seems unable to solve the problem without help, intervene by making suggestions in experimental form. For example, you might say to her "Try x, and see if that helps. If not, come back and we'll think of something else to try."

When difficulties arise, either because a friendship is volatile and rocky or because it fails to develop, resist the temptation to be overly sympathetic. If your commiseration is too great, it may signal to your child that there is a real tragedy in the making. Rather, take a matter-of-fact approach, suggesting either that perhaps this particular child or group of children may have different interests or that it would be a good idea to try alternative approaches or other activities.

Positive Interaction

For some preschoolers whose social skills are fragile, time spent with somewhat younger children may have positive effects. While older, more competent children may be impatient with a preschooler and thus weaken her confidence, younger ones with less sophisticated social skills may be more accepting, strengthen her confidence, and thereby provide needed opportunities to improve on the skills she has and to learn new ones.

Most children benefit from having peers invited to their home for relaxed visits, when play can be encouraged and closely supervised. It is also a good idea to know your child's playmates well so that you can minimize problems and provide the kinds of play situations most likely to maximize interest and cooperation.

© 1989National Parent Information Network

Credits: Lilian G. Katz