Irritable Teen
Question: My wife and daughter always have been very close, but over the past few months our daughter (now 14) has become rude and irritable toward her mother. It seems my wife can't say or do anything right. I don't want to interfere, but the bickering is driving me nuts. Should I intervene? And, if so, how?
Answer: You probably know it's not unusual for both boys and girls in their early teens to become moody and to challenge their parents. And girls often find words to be powerful tools in that challenge. A major developmental task for a teenager is to establish herself as a separate individual, with opinions and feelings all her own. Sometimes that is a painful process, both for the teen and for the parents who see their cheerful, cooperative child disappearing before their eyes. Because mothers often have been the primary caregiver, they often take the brunt of the criticism. Especially when mothers and daughters have been very close, the daughter may feel a need to push extra hard for a period of time to make that shift toward greater independence.
This does not, however, mean that your home life needs to be ruined. Nor does it mean that there should be no limits set on your daughter's behavior. It is important that you and your wife draw together at this time, working in unison as you guide your daughter through this passage in her life and yours.
I suggest you sit down and talk honestly with your wife about how you feel about the conflict between her and your daughter. Then decide together how you will deal with your daughter's behavior-- specifically, which behaviors are acceptable and which are not. It is hard to tell a person not to be irritable; however, as parents, you can and should communicate clear expectations to your daughter about treating family members with respect. For example, you can tell your daughter you understand that she feels irritable, but tell her clearly that it is not okay for her to make personal attacks, to swear, or name-call. Then, together with your wife, immediately impose a consequence (loss of a privilege, for example) if your daughter crosses that line.
You use the term "bickering," which suggests your wife is rising to--and perhaps escalating--your daughter's challenging behavior. If that is the case, I also suggest you talk with your wife about how you can support her in remaining clear, calm and parental with your daughter. When under attack, it is easy to sink to the child's level and begin a counter-attack. But it is much more effective to say quietly, "I can see you're upset. We'll talk about this when you've calmed down." With you taking a strong parental stand with her, your wife should find it easier to avoid entering the fray.
One last word of caution: If irritability seems to have become a way of life for your daughter--that is, if she remains extremely irritable over time and across varied situations--it could be a sign of depression or other emotional problems. Be especially alert to any changes in your daughter's friendships, diminished interest in activities she normally enjoys, or a slip in school performance. If you see those signs, seek help from a mental health professional, through your health care provider or your daughter's school.
Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 6 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.
