From the podium Adam Pertman, author of Adoption Nation and Executive Director of the Evan B. Donaldson Institute, imparts an electrifying energy. Keynote speaking for Adoption Forums (A Support Organization for those touched by adoption based out of Philadelphia), and facing a predominantly birthmother and adopted persons audience, this adoptive father captures the attention of all.

Adam Pertman speaks as both an adoption educator and an adoptive father, and is equally passionate about both. As a Pulitzer prize nominated journalist, his presentation mirrors what was obviously a well endowed career and I am intrigued. (you can read more about Adam Pertman's speech as well as information on his book and his work in FM's November issue!)

Adam and I discuss the conference as well as certain other issues via telephone a few weeks after the conference. One of the things Adam and I discuss is the lack of education adoption agencies provide to both adopting families and birthmothers.

He says, "Policy says that we must protect birthmother anonymity. Sounds right. But is it the right thing? No."

How many birthmothers in our present era of adoption want anonymity? I've yet to meet or hear of one. In an age of open adoptions, the opposite is actually true.

He says, "If we provide safe havens for mothers who want to leave their babies, for those "abandoned" babies, we are doing a service to preserve life. Sounds right. But is it? No. Research tells us that just because a mother is "allowed" to drop her baby off in the front of a hospital does not mean she will do it. It does not effect abortion statistics, and surely does not assist and support mothers in crisis."

How many adoption policies are in place that "sound right," but are completely off the marker? A lot of them.

Adoptive parents are issued a new birth certificate for their adopted infants which state that they gave birth to that baby. Policy says this is to finalize the act of adoption, thereby legally binding the child to its parents. Sounds right. But is it the right thing to do? To lie? Hardly.

Of this Adam Pertman said, "I have a birth certificate for my children which says that my wife and I gave birth to them. Unless I just don't remember, I'm pretty sure that didn't happen."

There is a fine line between what reads right and what the right thing is. Of course, there is always room for interpretation and perception in anything one reads, and each of us have a right to form our own opinions. We've done it with the Bible for years - re-written it, changed a little here and there, and now we've got all these different interpretations and Bibles - we believe what we feel is right - but does that necessarily make what we believe the right thing? Who knows. That's where faith comes in.

My adoption agency told my sons adoptive parents something like, "I know she and you agreed to such and such contact/communications, but it is really best that you just go home and bond with your baby - she will move on and so will you, it's best for everyone."

Sounds right. But is it? No. They agreed to certain things that I expected them to honor. They did not honor them. It is their fault, or is it the fault of the agency for misleading them based on what policies they adhered to?

We in the adoption world must be committed to not doing what "reads right," and instead doing what is right. There can be no policy in place that demands the same set of standards for each adoption relationship - they are unto themselves; their own. We must begin to follow our hearts, become educated across the board, and then prepare and trust ourselves to do what is right, for us.

Mark Major and his birthmother Jacki were both actively searching for one another for nearly ten years. Both had given the adoption agency identifying information, had listed themselves as searching and had give the agency permission to disclose their names and contact information. Mark had even paid the agency $400 to put him in contact with his birthmother. Ten years. The agency never budged. It was when Mark's sister (Jacki went on to marry the birthfather and they subsequently had 6 daughters, full sisters to their relinquished son, Mark) called Adoption Forums and asked for help that Karen DeLuca matched them together. They reunited and have had a strong relationship for the last two years.

Mark's sister went "outside the box" to do what she believed in her heart was the right thing to do - however, had they continued to do what the agency wanted them to do, they would never have found one another - but, aren't adoption agencies doing what's right, aren't their policies in place to serve their birth families and other clients? Well, again, that's a matter of opinion and personal experience. However, the point is ... doing what is right for you is often not what policy states you should be doing. And that's just going to have to be okay.

Adoption agencies dealing with women considering adoption often know all the "right" things to say. "You'd be doing what is best for your baby, you surely can't handle the stresses of parenting, we can help you get an open adoption and you'll continue to watch your child grow, you don't have the money or the education to raise a baby right now, let's find a loving family who can give your baby everything you cannot." Sounds right doesn't it? I mean, what mother doesn't want what is best for her baby?

There is a huge difference between what "sounds right" and what is right for each individual touched by or effected by adoption.

A mother just delivered her infant and the hospital staff is made aware of her decision to place her baby into adoption. A nurse comes into the room to check the mother's temperature, and the mother asks, "Can you please bring my baby in with me?" The nurse, knowing absolutely nothing about the act of relinquishment replies, "We'd better not, you're giving her up so it's best that you don't bond with her."

Sounds right. But is it? NO. Statistics are telling us that it is extremely important for the sake of a birthmother's continued healing that she bond with and be with her baby at the hospital. But how would the nurse know? She was delegating decisions made by hearsay.

A birthmother facing the fifth birthday of her relinquished child sits in her room and mourns her loss. Her mother knocks and enters, "You know, it'd be better for everyone if you could just get over this. It's not doing you any good to feel sorry for yourself."

Sounds right. But is it? No.Grieving is a natural healing process. Stunting it only creates a monster.

An adoptive couple says to a family member, "We haven't told our son about his birthmother yet. We figure when he wants to know, we'll tell him what we know."

Sounds right. But is it? No. Putting such a huge responsibility onto a child whose developmental skills are that of putting the triangle shape into the triangle hole - is unfair. That's like someone asking, "Shouldn't you get your son out of the middle of the street?" And they're answer, "No, when he wants to ask about why the car hit him we figure we'll tell him then."

In my own relinquishment I agreed with my sons adoptive parents that we would have pictures and letters every year and then at five years we would reconvene and discuss the future of our adoption relationship. They sent pictures and a letter once - but the agency lost the originals. I subsequently, years later, found out their last names and where they lived. I immediately wanted to jump in my car and go to them.

However, I asked a few adoption professionals who told me, "Your making contact while your son is still an adolescent would be harmful to his well-being and could very easily disrupt the family unity. My advice is to wait until he's searching for you."

I ask an adult adoptee to which his response was, "He's just a kid .. you'll freak him out and he won't know what to do."

I had to weigh what I was being told as "right," with what I felt was right. In the end I decided that the most important piece of the puzzle was, in fact, my son and that contacting him at such a young age would cause him emotional distress, especially considering that his parents were so fearful of me to begin with.

We all face decisions every day in our adoption life. Decisions that change our lives and others' lives. When we weigh them we must always ask ourselves ... "Are we doing what reads right, or what we believe is right for us?"

If your answer is always what you believe is right for you .. then you're on the right track. Policy makers do their best, with what they are given, but policy is often out-dated. Can you trust policy makers, those untouched by adoption, and their age-old policies with your present life situations? Not often.

Mark and his birthmother Jacki are in their second year of a VERY successful reunion. In fact, to see them you'd never believe they'd ever been separated. They are very much mother and son. However, Jacki tells me one of the comments she recently faced, "You'd better prepare yourself .. you're just in the honeymoon phase ... it won't last."

She was heartbroken. And yet she says, "I know my son, I know myself - I'm not going to worry about things that aren't relevant to us. That was one woman's opinion, maybe her reunion crashed .. but that doesn't mean mine will - I'm going to follow my heart."

The next time you face a choice and you look to policy or to someone who has experience with whatever your choice is ... remember one thing:

What Reads Right isn't Necessarily the Right Thing. Do what is Right For You.

Using policy to excuse your behaviors or justify your fears is not acceptable. If you ever have to ask for an opinion, remember that what you will get in return is just that; opinion. You will always know, if you listen carefully, what the right thing for you to do is. Don't deny it based on what reads right. Don't manipulate it because you are afraid. The only true course in the lives of our adoptions is that of truth and courage. Believe it or not, it's a lot easier to deal with the truth of an issue now than to deal with the aftermath of a lie in the end.

Now, go do the right thing. :)

Courtney Frey is the author of three adoption books, over fifty adoption related articles, and is the Editor of FM magazine (www.fm-magazine.com). To contact the author write to courtneyfrey@adelphia.net

© 2003