Couples and Communication

A woman came to a divorce attorney. "Do you have grounds?" the attorney asked. "Oh yes, we have half an acre." The lawyer paused, then continued. "Do you have a grudge?" The woman responded, "Oh no, we have a carport." In desperation, the attorney plunged ahead, asking, "Does he beat you up?" She immediately responded, "Oh no, I always get up earlier than he does." In exasperation, the lawyer shouted, "Madam, exactly why do you want a divorce?" Innocently she replied, "Because it's impossible to communicate with him!"

Most of us at some point struggle with communication in our relationships. And if we're honest with ourselves, most of the time we think that if only the other person could communicate better, everything would be fine. But relationships require the efforts of both parties to remain satisfying. Good relationships rarely just happen. Even when they seem to start off effortlessly, they change over time, as each partner's needs and interests evolve. Successful relationships are those where both partners are helping each other meet these ever changing goals.

Counselors often ask couples to recall what first attracted them to each other. Losing track of these foundations takes away from the relationship. Often couples come together because they see in the other qualities which are lacking in themselves. Later, precisely because these qualities are different from their own, they become the source of irritation and tension. Thus, the spouse who initially valued the quiet strength of the other begins to resent the lack of talkativeness and limited need for socializing.

What was once attractive becomes annoying and is taken as a personal affront. Too often it is easier to blame the other than look at one's own blind spots and changing expectations. Sometimes we think we are communicating when really we are evaluating and judging.

Couples can always learn new and better ways to listen and communicate. Of course it's best to start out with good skills in these areas, but the fact is, few folks have them. We never received the instruction booklet! And you can teach old dogs new tricks. Older couples often surprise themselves with the rapid improvements they make.

Some basic guidelines for couples who want to communicate more effectively include:

* Set aside a specific time to talk and keep it brief, not open-ended.

* Ask questions aimed at understanding, not at judging.

* Don't make assumptions; check out everything. Don't mind-read or tell the other what they are thinking or feeling.

* Start your sentences with the word 'I', not 'you'.

* Remind each other that your goal is to strengthen the relationship. Remember you are both on the same side - that of your bond.

* Don't try tackling several subjects at once. It confuses the issue.

* Don't bring other people into the discussion. What they think is not the point.

* Thank the other person for trying and caring enough to set the time aside.

If your own attempts to improve communication are repeatedly unsuccessful, perhaps it's time to consult a counselor. Many times a partner who is initially unwilling to go with you will respond positively to changes they see in you and may feel more comfortable joining you later. Don't give up.

Remember that like a relationship, counseling is a process that evolves over time. The professional's skills, as well as each partner's needs, readiness, and efforts all determine the outcome.