And other self-reflective moments

One birthmother says this to me after a support group session, "You know, it's all fine and dandy, what you said, but to be honest ... I'm just mad. I just want to be mad."

I smiled, then started laughing, and before she smacked me I told her, "That's perfect!"

She looked at me like I was an idiot (which is still questionable), and said, "What the **** do you mean?"

I told her, "If you weren't angry I'd be worried about you. You should be angry. You're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing."

She just gave me a dirty look.

Another birthmother called me shortly after an event I had done in which she shared this with me, "I feel pulled. I was perfectly happy being mad and upset at everyone for the way things went and then you come along and give this all-motivational and inspirational talk and now I'm dealing with emotions I never thought I had and it's making me mad."

I wanted to tell her not to worry, I have that effect on birthmothers, but I didn't.

In hindsight I recall one of my mother and my most defining "recovery" moments in the relinquishment of my son, and her grandson. Finally, in a moment that came out of nowhere my mother smacked her hands on the kitchen table, started bawling, and then asked me - almost screaming - "What? What Courtney?! Just tell me what you need, I'll do it, I'll do it right now!!!"

I remember looking up at her and being shocked. There had to be a thousand things I needed, a hundred requests I could have given to her. All those years of my grieving alone, those self-destructive cycles that become my only friends when I felt abandoned by her ... but all I did was stand up and embrace her. Held her. Cried into her arms.

This. This Mom. Just this.

I've also dealt with a few great, "Just leave me alone moments!"

A couple months back it was just after midnight my time when the phone rang. It was an older birthmother calling me from the west coast and she asked if I had a moment. I said yes and she began telling me her story. The "answers" were clear it seemed, and I began sharing with her how I saw the situation and told her that perhaps my "outside" view might give her a little bit of reflection ... she listened and then went on for another hour screaming and yelling and crying into the phone. Something must have triggered. Anyway, I just listened. Then, after a long 2 and a half-hours, she simply told me, "Oh Just leave me alone!" And hung up on me. I hadn't said a single word! Sometimes we can talk our own selves into the truth, and often that truth is exactly what we're hoping to avoid by asking others about it first. She did call me back several days later to apologize, but I wasn't upset at all. It happens a lot.

We talk ourselves into getting angry enough to do something about it.

We all have our "Just Leave Me Alone!" moments. It's as real as getting up in the morning. As sure as having to get dressed.

What kind of "Just Leave me Alone!" moments have you had lately? What were you angry about? Where you angry with the person you were talking to ... or did you suddenly become aware of an emotion, feeling, or truth that you'd perhaps been denying?

Someone asked me the other day if I'd gone to see my son. I told them no and then gave them my reasons. They kept hounding me. But, well, what if, and why ... oh, they just kept coming and coming until finally I threw up my hands and said, "Enough! Just leave it alone alright??!!"

Later I realized ... I had been torturing myself by waiting. I had been putting it off because I was afraid. The longer I put it off, the more difficult it becomes. Having someone remind me of that brought up a lot of pain. I could have been mad at that person forever ... instead I went back to them and told them, "Thank you, for helping me to see what I needed to deal with."

Remember that ... when you have your "Just Leave Me Alone!" moments. Remember that more often that not ... it's what we're dealing with instead of the ignorance of others when they somehow mindlessly trigger it within us. And thank them.

Without them ... we wouldn't challenge ourselves to face half of what we do.

And yes ... anger is a good thing. As long as you don't use it to harm others or yourself.

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