Effective parenting begins with an ability to get your point across when discussing issues with teens. Setting rules and consequences means little if you have not made yourself clear to your kids. We all know about 'selective hearing-that ability kids have to hear only what they want to hear-but I'm referring to your children being able to get a clear message about what you expect from them.

You cannot communicate when either you or your teen is "so angry you could spit". This feeling indicates that you should wait until a more calm time to discuss the issues. You cannot chase a teen around to give them a "lesson" when they have shut off their antennae and are not "picking up your frequency" any longer.

When you finally get to a receptive time, do not start out with accusations and blame. Talk about how you feel first, not the teen's wrong doing. Statements such as "I feel so scared when you drive without wearing a seat belt" work better than "You are grounded for a month for not wearing your seat belt." Even if this is the ultimate result, don't start there. Find ways to state your case persuasively, but without blame and anger.

'When discussing issues with teens, try to avoid those dangerous subjects that result in bad feelings and never allow you to reach your goal. Friends, music, girlfriends, and appearance are all subjects that must be approached carefully and with consideration. Parents should not allow things that are destructive or evil in kid's lives. I'm not suggesting that you should not broach the subject, just use some finesse if it is a sacred issue to your teens.

Use empathy to relate to your kids. -Employ anecdotes about others, not your teens, to illustrate points. Make use of mediation skills when discussing difficult problem areas. The Franklin list, where pros and cons are listed, can be very helpful. Visualization, helping kids see what their choice could mean to their future, is also valuable.

Speak in calm, soft tones. Use moderate or short sentences and words understood by your kids. Explain terms they don't understand if they are used. Try hard not to confuse the issue by adding unrelated problems. Ask for their opinion and feelings often. Stop the conversation when it becomes a power struggle or an argument-revisit it another time. Of course, you cannot do this with pressing issues. In that case, try to de-escalate the situation with a soda break or a short time out.

If the need to talk is pressing, then the technique must be successful.

Credits: Jo Ann Wentzel