A Lesson for Teachers

One question that always comes up with the start of a new school year is whether or not to tell your child's teacher(s) that s/he is adopted. My friends and colleagues in the adoption community go back and forth on this issue and discuss it year after year. As an adoptive mom and elementary school teacher, I can relate to both sides. In her book Raising Adopted Children, author Lois Melina (who is considered by many to be the "Doctor Spock for adoptive parents") writes of the fine line parents often walk between feeling their family is laid open to public scrutiny if they do tell, and being viewed as not totally comfortable with adoption if they don't. However, while she believes that everyone doesn't need to know, professionals who provide services to children should be told. And she includes teachers in this group. (p.s. I agree!)

However, whether or not you (or your child) decide to tell the teachers about your child's status, I believe that teachers (and the community in general) could benefit from a lesson on the language of adoption. They have to be prepared for children, and adults, who use inappropriate language and/or ask questions like "Why did her mother give her away?" or "Who is her real mother?" Teachers must make the effort to learn Positive Adoption Language (PAL) and use it comfortably inside (and outside) the classroom.

When adoption is to be acknowledged, for example, refer to it as the way someone arrived in a family, not as a condition. Say "Annie was adopted" rather than "Annie is adopted." Terms such as "real parent" or "natural parent" are inaccurate and unacceptable. To differentiate, use terms such as birth parent for the biological parent and simply parent for the one who has adopted a child. Children should be taught that a parent is a person who raises and nurtures a child.

People do not "give away children." They choose adoption, or make an adoption plan, if they are unable to take care of the child they gave birth to. Adopted children in the elementary years are beginning to have a true understanding of adoption. One of their primary concerns (especially ages 7 - 11) is the permanence of their family. That is why it is important to use the word 'adopt' solely to describe a permanent relationship. Adoption means to take something and make it your own. Therefore we can adopt children and possibly the family pet, but we cannot adopt a piece of highway or an endangered species. Although we as adults understand this manipulation of word meanings, the adopt-a-___ programs can send a confusing message to young children.

Other terms to consider are:

Positive Language Negative Language
Adoption triad Adoption triangle
Biological parent Natural/ real parent
Birth child Own child
Birth father / mother Real/ Natural father / mother
Birth parent Real parent
Born to unmarried parents Illegitimate
Child from abroad Foreign child
Child placed for adoption Unwanted child
Child with special needs Handicapped child
Court termination Child taken away
Make an adoption plan/
choose adoption Give away / give up
Intercountry adoption Foreign adoption
Interracial Mixed race
Making contact with Reunion
My child Adopted child
Parent Adoptive parent
Search Track down parents
To parent To keep
Waiting child Adoptable child; Available child

There are over 6 million adoptees in the United States alone, with more than 100,000 more occurring each year. It is likely that each year there will be at least one adopted child in every classroom in the USA. One of our main jobs as teachers (and parents) is to model for our kids. Talking about adoption is one of the most important things we model. To read more on PAL, see: http://www.adopting.org/article5.html or visit my website at http://members.aol.com/pynappress.
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Rebecca Gold is an adoptive mom and the author of "Till There Was You - An Adoption Expectancy Journal" (Pineapple Press). You can write to her at RebGold@aol.com or visit her website at http://members.aol.com/pynappress