Living in a Stepfamily: Neither Cinderella Nor the Brady Bunch

In 1995, 40 percent of all marriages in the United States were remarriages for at least one of the partners, with approximately 65 percent of remarriages involving children from a prior marriage.

Despite the prevalence of remarriages in America, fictional examples like "Cinderella" or the "Brady Bunch" keep many stepfamilies from developing realistic expectations of what stepfamily life will be like. For example, single parents may think that remarriage is the solution to some of their problems as they now would have someone to share the parenting load and help maintain the household. Or, children may feel angry that they have to share their biological parent with a new spouse or even new step-siblings. Or, many stepfamilies will believe that their new family will be "just like everyone else's." It is important, however, for family members to learn that stepfamily life is not worse than, better than, or a substitute for other families; it is simply different (Seymour, Francis, & Steffens, 1995a).

There are several factors which make stepfamilies different. One of the main factors is that stepfamilies involve more people in more complex relationships. As such, the complexity of stepfamily life can lead to several problems for both children and parents which should be addressed to contribute to the success of the remarriage.

These problems include:

* Feelings of Loss. For adults and children, feelings of insecurity, sadness, and anger can all result from the loss of the biological family or the loss of the dream of the perfect marriage/family (Seymour, Francis, & Steffens, 1995a). For children, these feelings of loss can also lead to feelings of guilt and anger as they may feel they were responsible for the breakup of the first marriage. Or, they may feel angry because they had no input over the decisions which were made (Seymour, Francis, & Steffens, 1995b).

* Divided Loyalties. Children in stepfamilies often feel torn in their loyalty between their biological parent and the stepparent. Parents, too, will feel torn between their loyalty to their children and their desire for the new spouse to feel like a "real" parent (Molgaard, 1993).

* Belonging to Two Households. Even if children only visit their noncustodial parent, they still belong to two households, with different rules, activities, and values (Molgaard, 1993). Children may have difficulty adjusting immediately to a new set of ideas and rules (Seymour, Francis, & Steffens, 1995b).

* Unrealistic expectations. When stepfamily life is not what members expected, feelings of inadequacy, discouragement, anger, and disappointment can emerge (Seymour, Francis, & Steffens, 1995a).

* Building Relationships. Parents might want stepchildren to quickly feel love, trust, and respect, but these feelings often take years to develop, usually about three to five years (Molgaard, 1993; Seymour, Francis, & Steffens, 1995a). Feelings of fear can make this process even longer, however, if children are afraid that all relationships will end in failure (Seymour, Francis, & Steffens, 1995b).

* Legal Relationships. Unless the stepparent adopts, the legal relationship within stepfamilies exists only between husband and wife, but not between stepparent and stepchildren. This can create problems in terms of right to inheritance, school records, and medical attention (Seymour, Francis, & Steffens, 1995a).

* Discipline by the Stepparent. While a stepparent may want to help their spouse by taking over some of the discipline responsibilities, children often will resent stepparent discipline, thinking "You can't tell me what to do because you're not my real parent."

Coping Strategies

To minimize the stress which these problems can create, there are several coping strategies the stepfamily can try.

1. Plan activities involving different subgroups of the stepfamily to help relationships grow (Pitzer, 1990).

2. Keep up with your support system (co-workers, friends, extended family). Again, this will help relationships build. It may also be useful to seek group support (through church or community organization) from others who have had similar experiences (Molgaard, 1993).

3. Give children as many choices as possible to help them regain a sense of control for different aspects of their lives. Including children in discussions about new rules and family activities will also help eliminate their feelings of helplessness (Seymour, Francis, & Steffens, 1995).

4. ontinue to reassure children that having a warm relationship with a stepparent will not endanger the relationship with the biological parent (Seymour, Francis, & Steffens, 1995).

For discipline issues:

5. Let the biological parent handle most discipline during the first few months and maybe even years for older children, since children accept guidance and discipline more easily form those they trust (Molgaard, 1993). This will allow the stepparent to focus on building a strong relationship.

6. Discuss rules and consequences as a couple (Molgaard, 1993). Talk about behavior problems and expectations with your new spouse. This allows the stepparent to be involved in discipline even though the biological parent is dealing directly with the child.

7. Leave the stepparent in charge when the biological parent is gone, making sure to tell the children (Molgaard, 1993). This helps children understand that the stepparent carries out the rules which both parents have agreed upon.

Building a healthy stepfamily takes time, just as it does for any family. To help strong relationships grow within the stepfamily, it is important to be patient and acknowledge everyone's feelings. As the family members learn what to expect from one another and what their strengths are, they can make stepfamily life work for them.

Additional Resources

Internet

Contact your local Cooperative Extension for more information on stepfamilies. Most Extension offices will have or can direct you to programs which deal with stepfamily issues. For example, the Kansas State Research and Extension Program has developed the program, Stepping Stones for Stepfamilies. [Editorial Note: As of 4/2/98, this page is no longer being maintained.]

American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. (1995). Stepfamily Problems. [Editor's note (5-9-2000): for more information on this article, visit the AACAP website at http://www.aacap.org/]

National Center for Fathering. Hope for stepfathers.

Books

Visher, E. & Visher, J. (1991). How to win as a stepfamily. Brunner/Mazel., 19 Union Square West, New York, NY 10003.

Webber, Ruth. (1996). Split Ends: Teenage Stepchildren. The Australian Council for Educational Research Ltd., 19 Prospect Hill Rd., Camberwell, Melbourne, Victoria 3124, Australia

Organizations

Stepfamily Association of America, Inc.
215 Centennial Mall South, Suite 212
Lincoln, NE 68508
402-477-7837

Stepfamily Association of Illinois
PO Box 3124
Oak Park, IL 60303
708-848-0909

Sources

Molgaard, V. (1993). Parenting in stepfamilies [WWW document]. URL http://www.exnet.iastate.edu/Publications/PM1547C.pdf
NOTE: This document is in PDF format and requires Adobe Acrobat Reader for viewing.

Pitzer, K. (1990). Stress in stepfamilies [WWW document]. URL http://www.cyfc.umn.edu/Documents/H/F/HF1052.html [NPIN editor's note (9/26/02): this url no longer exists.]

Seymour, T.; Francis, C.; & Steffens, P. (1995a). Supporting stepfamilies [WWW document]. URL http://ianrwww.unl.edu/ianr/pubs/nebfacts/nf212.htm [NPIN editor's note (9/26/02): this url has changed: http://www.ianr.unl.edu/pubs/family/nf212.htm]

Seymour, T.; Francis, C.; & Steffens, P. (1995b). Supporting stepfamilies: What do the children feel? [WWW document]. URL http://ianrwww.unl.edu/ianr/pubs/NEBFACTS/NF223.htm [NPIN editor's note (9/26/02): this url has changed: http://www.ianr.unl.edu/pubs/family/nf223.htm]