Please allow me to introduce myself. My name was Baby Girl. Now I am Paula. But these names are of no consequence - I am no one in particular to know of, so please allow me today to identify myself as just another adult adoptee with a very simple idea to share with others like myself!

I recently responded to a posting on Adoption Boards.com and was encouraged by a very wonderful human being to share my thoughts in the form of this article. I hope it is of some use to someone!

WHO ARE MY PARENTS?:

Without getting into the whole long, drawn out history of my life...assume the usual, typical adoptee story. Adopted at 'birth', (before open adoption!), closed records, denial, blah blah blah... at 24 years of age I finally decided to address my issues and situation. Started searching, started asking questions, started bracing for the possible injuries, etc. To make a long rant shorter...I did succeed in my search, it was -and is- wonderful knowing my "other mother', I did repair a lot of my own damage, I did meet with many more questions than I knew I had.

The funny thing is, with all the issues and all the unanswered questions and all the little leads I followed and all the loose strings over all the years...the LAST question I thought to ask was "What must this entire adoption experience have been like for my ADOPTIVE PARENTS?" Of course I had spent years of energy to determine what it meant to me, naturally I considered all the myriad of possible scenarios that might have existed for my birth mother/father, etc.

But... it wasn't until it was ALL said and done that I thought to question my adoptive folks about how they came to be my folks. Who they were BEFORE ME, as much as after. Yeah, I knew my mom couldn't have kids. I grew up on the usual "you're special because..." stories and lore.... but that's about the extent of it. And, of course, we had issues!!

Whenever I met with other adoptees, or I read about and actually met some "birth mothers"; I had a BILLION questions for those people over the years. It was so refreshing to hear about the experiences of others, and it sort of normalized my view of myself to meet other members of this weird club, check for similarities, look for insight - you probably know just what I mean!

But I NEVER thought to ask what the whole experience was like for my own mom and dad. I never really discussed it much with them, let alone picked their brains like I would readily do with a total stranger of similar circumstance... What were their fears, their obstacles, their hopes, their disappointments, their families and friends reactions, their attempts to reconcile the situation with a small child throughout the years... what was all that like for them?

We never brought it up - I thought it would hurt them, they thought it would hurt me. We kept it nice, neat, and minimal. Well...I finally asked!!!

Not surprisingly, they went through A LOT!! Notwithstanding the emotional scars that I know my mom carried with her as a daughter of the 50's and the Doris Day mentality she was raised with - only to find she was unable to fulfill her "purpose" as wife & mother... the family members from the old school who thought adoption was wrong, causing them to move to the US from Canada...the grueling process of proving themselves - a young, struggling, newlywed couple - worthy of being parents to the strangers at the agency... how many times they jumped through hoops and waited and had to start all over again...the whole SHEBANG! (And then some!)

It was very rough for them in ways that seemed unimportant to me throughout the years. No, not unimportant exactly - I never even CONSIDERED their "pre-Me" story. Everyone else in any point of the triad that I've met since a child has been fair game for my inquisitive dialogue. But it took me 30 years to have that chat with my own parents. Since I sat down and had that talk with them, the doors opened up a lot between us. (At least I feel better, anyhow!)

I think for ALL of us, it's still tense, and not surprisingly - these are all deep-seated issues, as you well know. And in the day to day it can be uncomfortable. For instance, I arranged a "gathering" of my new, "extended" family - only to find my moms don't care for one another much, but that's ok. They're both a little loony in their own ways, and I am proud to be a product of them both - most DEFINITELY! (Looney times 2!! It just comes with the territory of being a Mom, don't you think?) And I'm very happy, and blessed, to know them both, to have their love. Even when they drive me crazy! (Consider you this: having TWO moms to answer to when you screw up! YIKES!!) But it's all been worth it.

Especially in light of the many disaster stories I've heard, I'm very grateful they tried to get to know one another. We will all be okay. But, I don't expect another get-together anytime soon...it's a bit much for some, if not all of my parents, siblings, children! And I'm just the teeniest bit reluctant to admit it, but it was quite overwhelming for me, too - just for the record!!

I believe I still have a tendency to approach the situation with the emotions left from childhood, yet as an adult, I can see that they did (& continue to do) the things they've done with love and their best attempts at consideration for me, even if it could be argued that their actions may have screwed me up in the process... they are, after all JUST PEOPLE.

My parents, "adoptive" and "birth", are bearers of no special insight or ability to cope; they are no less subject to reacting poorly to long-neglected emotional powder kegs than anyone else. And they inherently all have their own baggage, guilt, disappointment, expectations, etc.

It helps me to remind myself that they are just human, and being part of the adoption process - they are also just another bunch of confused humans, like all of us adoptees. No family is perfect, they say... and this is just another one of those!! With an enormously emotional history, with less common beginnings, and with relatives that don't necessarily know or want to know each other, yes - but just another 'fam-damnily', you know? You may have to struggle just to get to know them, the "normal" dynamics might have to be applied a little differently, but they're just your stinking relatives when you get right down to it! It helps me immensely to remember that.

My point is, it helped ME immensely to ask the most basic questions about who all these PARENTS where/are/hoped to be for themselves, BEFORE ME... What formed their decisions, what filled their thoughts, what ripped at their heartstrings BEFORE my precarious entrance into their lives. I don't care how pretty a picture you paint, adoption is a compromise for EVERYONE CONCERNED!!! A very tricky one, at that. So what did it DO to THEM?

THUS... my challenge to you, fellow adoptees, whether searching or reunited, is: Find out who your adoptive parents are & were, what they are going through... and where they've been. REALLY.

Maybe you have the sort that doesn't want to share, but try your best to create a situation where everyone can be safe, respectful, & "grown-up". I'm guessing no matter what the circumstances of your adoption, it wasn't easy for your adoptive parents. And maybe if they are overly protective, sensitive, or insecure, their reaction to your search or reunion might seem to be completely unwarranted and hurtful. Try to remember it IS likely still some (albeit unfair...) outward manifestation & expression of their love and attachment to you if they respond in a less than supportive manner.

My guess is, should you open up this dialogue, you'll discover they've been through trials and emotional lows they've spared you from ever realizing. If they're reluctant, maybe they're just afraid... No matter how they react, bear in mind - they're just your screwed up relatives! We ALL have 'em, adopted or not!

Love them anyhow!

No matter their perspective on reunion, or their relationship with you now, your folks are bound to respond to your sincere inquiries about who they are, where they have been and why they feel the way they do. Whether they open up or you have only your careful observations to draw on, you can probably unearth a little something about who you are, or why they might not jump to help you realize your wishes, despite how much they love you and you love them. Maybe you're lucky and they are open and supportive already... think what you might not know about them that could bring you closer!

In any case, it may help them just to be asked, even if not to say. By asking, you are conveying that your progress, your self-discovery includes them. Anything they share could definitely help you to know how to act lovingly and respectfully towards them. Try asking them! (But maybe not until you can honestly desire to know - and without needing to change their views! That just opens you up for more pain. When you feel ready to just understand, not judge...that is the time.)

Might I suggest your first question be the one we all start this process with: "Who are my parents?" Not the ones you've searched for - the ones right under your nose! Who are THEY?

Like I said, it's sort of a simple idea, and maybe too simple... I hope it helps anyhow. It meant a lot to me.

Love, high hopes & best wishes to you! paulie_girl