Lying
"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." - Oscar Wilde
Here are some inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children's ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car, or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.
To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the furl and the consequence for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you as parents, to model the right behavior. If you're expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.
And lastly, don't forget to laugh.
Why they do it
Children lie to escape reprimand, disapproval, rejection, ridicule, and shame. Some feel trapped or threatened, some don't want to disappoint other people with their bad choices, and some don't want to hurt the feelings of people they care about.
Logical consequences
If your children are obviously telling a lie, let them know that you're not falling for it. Say something like "I don't buy that story. Take care of your problem right away."
Solutions toward self-direction
Never put your children in the position where they feel they have no other choice but to lie. For instance, if you find your two children near a wall freshly decorated with crayon scribbling, don't ask, "Who's responsible for this?" I mean, do you really expect one of them to eagerly jump forward to fess up? I don't think so! So, just make both of them take care of it by saying, "I want you both to take a bucket of water and a sponge and clean this up right away." By going about it in this way, you teach them to focus on the solution rather than on the blame. If the "innocent" ones protest, tell them they should have helped the other one stay out of trouble. Children need to learn to be responsible for taking care of others instead of having that "look out for number one" attitude that's so tragically commonplace today.
Use "I notice" statements instead of "Did you" statements. The latter just serves to catch them in a lie, especially if you already know the answer. So instead of asking, "Have you taken the trash out?" say, "I notice the trash hasn't been taken out. That needs to be done right away."
Show appreciation when they tell you the truth.
Use questioning: "Why do you think people lie?" "What can the consequences be for lying?" "What is the worst that can happen if you tell the truth?" "How do you feel when someone you trusted lies to you?"
Use impartial descriptions and give information: "Lying makes it hard to trust you." "You aren't being honest with me. Let me give you a few minutes to think it through, and we'll talk about this again, honestly." "I don't believe in punishing someone for being truthful."
Make truthfulness part of the family identity: "We believe in telling the truth in our family."
