According to a recent poll conducted by Public Agenda and published in its report, Kids These Days '99: What Americans Really Think about the Next Generation, over 70% of adults surveyed think that teens are "rude, irresponsible[,] and wild," and that teens lack values, character, and basic civility. Moreover, less than 15% of the adults say it is typical to come across youth who are friendly and helpful to their neighbors (Public Agenda, 1999, pp. 3-4). Educators across the country report a lack of civility and respect in relationships between teachers and classmates at school and an increase in verbal abuse and physical assaults (Pereira, 1995; Gregg, 1998; Bury, 1999).

How Can We Explain Society's Apparent Lack of Civility and Manners?

Recent newspaper and popular magazine articles suggest that parents are also behaving less than optimally in public, particularly at their children's athletic events. Some examples of the article titles will illustrate the point:

* It's a Sad Sign of the Times That Parents, As Much As Young Athletes, Need Education in Sportsmanship (Watt, 2000);
* When Cheers Turn into Jeers (and Tears): Moms and Dads As Spoilsports and Hoodlums (Lord, 2000);
Youth Sports Becoming Parents Behaving Badly (Caldwell & Young, 2000);
* Hey Parents, Let the Kids Play (Mike G., 2000);
Parents Behaving Badly (Katz, 2000,).

Is rude, ill-mannered behavior particular to athletic events? Barry Mano, president of the National Association of Sports Officials, suggests that the lack of civility displayed at sporting events is a reflection of wider societal trends. "Sports is simply life with the volume turned up," says Mano, who receives one or two reports of sports officials being physically assaulted each week (Caldwell & Young, 2000).

In the book Selling Out America's Children: How America Puts Profits before Values and What Parents Can Do (1994), author David Walsh observes that parents have become victims of society's preoccupation with winning and stardom (p. 108), which has contributed to boorish and pushy behavior at their children's sporting events. Walsh believes other cultural influences contribute to rude behavior in other arenas, citing the messages of disrespect and aggression from TV that glorify an "in your face" approach to relationships and portray disrespect as humorous (pp. 45-60).

Stephen Carter, author of Civility: Manners, Morals, and the Etiquette of Democracy, acknowledges that television and other media strongly influence their audiences (1998). Carter encourages parents to monitor children's activities so they know where the competing influences on their children's moral and civil behavior comes from. Television, school, music, the Internet, and peers all compete with parents' own values about what is moral and civil behavior (p. 236).

How do manners fit in? Learning to use manners-and, more importantly, learning the underlying values of caring, appreciation, compassion, empathy and respect that manners signify (Davis & Keyser, 1997)-contributes to children's developing morality (Rosenberg 1997; Fittro, 1997). Some argue that manners and morals rest on the same underlying principles of sympathy, kindness, and consideration for others (Hazlitt, 1972) or, as Ellen Goodman says, "manners are about treating others as if they matter" (1997).

Using words like "please," "thank you," and "excuse me," are symbols of respect for others and are the most basic pieces of the "civility puzzle", according to Carter (1998, p. 59). "Good manners have been characterized as the oil that lubricates our everyday interactions, making society bearable... life is tough, but incivility makes it tougher" (Carter, 1998, p. 32).

Like most of life's important lessons, parents teach their children manners and civility by their words and by example. This means that parents must endeavor to be civil in their interactions with others including rude shopkeepers, careless drivers, and irritating telephone salespeople. Parents also provide a powerful model of civil behavior in their interactions with each other and with their children at home (Carter, 1998). Children who see their parents behaving civilly-disciplining their desires for the sake of others-are more likely to do the same in their dealings with others as children and later in life as adults (Carter, 1998).

Learning to use manners and to behave politely are life skills that children can cultivate while they are young. "Childhood is a grace period" (Moss, 1999, p. 126). While they are young, children may get away with wolfing down their food at the table, interrupting others on the telephone, and accepting a gift without expressing gratitude. As they get older, however, they will be judged, fairly or not, by such ill-mannered acts. Using manners and politeness can certainly help smooth children's way in the world (Moss, 1999). More importantly, teaching children to use manners meaningfully-not simply mouthing the correct words-helps them develop consideration, kindness, and respect for others, all necessary ingredients for a civil society.

For more information

Morgan, Barbara. (1999, October 10). As if it will matter: Reflections on shootings and civility: A sermon delivered by the Reverend Barbara D. Morgan at Community Unitarian Universalist Church in Daytona Beach, Florida [Online].
Available: http://members.aol.com/flabonsai/sermons/991010.html [NPIN Editor's note (5-7-03): this url has changed: http://www.dbcuuc.org/sermons/991010.html] [2001, February 2]

Sources

Bury, Chris. (1999, May 17). The kids are not alright: Some teachers declare a civility crisis in schools. ABC News [Online].
Available: http://more.abcnews.go.com/onair/dailynews/wnt990517_bury_story.html [2001, February 2]

Caldwell, Alicia & Young, Pete. (2000, July 17). Youth sports becoming parents behaving badly. St. Petersburg Times [Online]. Available: http://www.sptimes.com/News/071700/Worldandnation/Youth_sports_becoming.shtml [2001, February 2]

Carter, Stephen L. (1998). Civility: manners, morals and the etiquette of democracy. New York: Basic Books.

Davis, Laura & Keyser, Janet. (1997.) Becoming the parent you want to be: A sourcebook of strategies for the first five years. New York: Broadway Books. ERIC Document No. ED408022

Fittro, Joyce K. (1997). Rearing moral children. Ohio State University Cooperative Extension Service [Online].
Available: http://npin.org/library/1998/n00023/n00023.html [2001, February 2]

Goodman, Ellen. (1997, January 3). A vow of civility in 1997: Pleasantries aren't 'mere'. Seattle Times [Online].
Available: http://archives.seattletimes.nwsource.com/cgi-bin/texis/web/vortex/display?slug=gdmn&date=19970103 [2001, February 2]

Gregg, Soleil. (1998). School-based programs to promote safety and civility. Appalachia Regional Education Laboratory. The Link On Line, 17(1), pp. 1-6.
Available: http://www.ael.org/link/v17n1/lnk17100.htm [2001, February 2]

Hazlitt, Henry. (1972). Chapter 11: Morals and manners. In The foundations of morality [Online].
Available: http://www.hazlitt.org/e-texts/morality/ch11.html [2001, February 2]

Katz, Bob. (2000, October). Parents Behaving Badly. Parents. pp. 187-190.

Lord, Mary. (2000, May 15). When cheers turn into jeers (and tears): Moms and dads as spoilsports and hoodlums. U.S. News and World Report [Online].
Available: http://www.usnews.com/usnews/issue/000515/parents.htm [NPIN Editor's note (02-06-03): this url has changed http://www.positivecoach.org/news/20000515_lord2.html] [2001, February 2]

Mike G. (2000, October 18). Hey parents, let the kids play! Houston Sports Page [Online].
Available: http://www.houstonsportspage.com/mikeg/mikeg080300.shtml [NPIN Editor's note (02-06-03): this URL no longer exists] [2001, February 2]

Moss, Lisa Braver. (1999, July). Minding their manners. Parents. pp. 125-126.

Pereira, Carolyn. (1995). Linking law-related education to reducing violence by and against youth. ERIC Digest [Online].
Available: http://www.ed.gov/databases/ERIC_Digests/ed387431.html [2001, February 2]

Public Agenda. (1999). Kids these days'99: What Americans really think about the next generation [Online].
Available: http://www.publicagenda.org/specials/kids/kids.htm [2001, February 2]

Rosenberg, Debra. (1997, Spring/Summer). Raising a moral child. In Your child: Birth to three [Special edition]. Newsweek. pp. 92-93. ERIC Document No. ED595611

Walsh, David. (1994). Selling out America's children: How America puts profits before values and what parents can do. Minneapolis, MN: Fairview Press. ERIC Document No. ED411089

Watt, Earl. (2000, July 25). It's a sad sign of the times that parents, as much as young athletes, need education in sportsmanship. Southwest Daily Times [Online].
Available: http://204.233.65.165/swdtimes/html/Daily1/TUESDAY/july25/opinion.html [2001, February 2]
[NPIN Editor's Note (6-26-03): this url has changed: http://www.swdtimes.com/swdtimes/html/Daily1/TUESDAY/july25/opinion.html]